So why are more Americans putting off marriage and Gen Zers shifting away from their vast digital matchmaking options?
Using technology to meet people virtually does have its perks. But elaborate screening processes can be inefficient or downright unpleasant. Swiping through dozens of potential partners means that each is compared to more and more people — at a cost of mental effort, if not much time. Some online daters report that “being on dating apps feels like a part-time job” — you carefully curate a résumé for yourself and review many others, one after the next, with initial screenings by text messages or maybe calls before considering the next candidate’s materials. Just how off-putting is online dating? A Harris poll, the Singles in America Survey, published in February found that 44 percent of Generation Z would rather clean a toilet than go on another online date, and 30 percent of Gen Zers agree with the statement “I would rather walk across hot coals than go on another online date.”
Another interesting finding from that poll: While 40 percent of Gen Z reported wanting to date like penguins — have one partner for life — about 20 percent of people in my generation want to date like cats (“indifferent, allow partners to come and go”). This partly reflects that many in Gen Z genuinely like being single (fairly or not, we have a reputation for being picky, too). But the expansion of options to pursue romance and the formulaic work of finding a partner also appear to play a role in the phenomenon of choice paralysis or, as it’s known in the dating sphere, “swipe fatigue.” The promise and curse of online dating are like so much else these days: unlimited choice and freedom to the nth, crippling degree.
There’s also the issue of relationship quality. Once people do partner up, they can have conversations about deeper values and commitment that might feel awkward early on: questions of whether you consider marriage a relevant goal, or part of the deal if you want to have children; discussions about finances, religion, household responsibilities and conflict resolution. But it can take a long time — and a lot of swiping — to arrive at this sort of comfort level.
The hyper-personalization of dating apps (and matches) might be both a cause and symptom of the anxiety with which many in Generation Z entered the dating sphere. Some findings suggest that Gen Z wants to settle down — more than 80 percent report wanting to get married — but many appear to be experiencing what Brian J. Willoughby and Spencer L. James call “the marriage paradox”: Young adults desire marriage but tend to delay matrimony. It’s unclear yet whether Gen Z will follow in the footsteps of millennials, many of whom cite high divorce rates in previous generations as a reason they’re taking extra time to settle down.
There is, however, one demographic of young Americans who continue to marry young, and relatively quickly, and who manage to stay together at higher rates: religious Americans. Although in-person attendance of religious services has declined since 2019, in part because of the covid-19 pandemic, earlier studies have shown links between religious-service attendance and marriage longevity. Other behaviors and beliefs correlated with religiosity — including more serious intentions toward marriage, adherence to norms discouraging divorce and lower likelihoods of premarital cohabitation — explain some of this trend.
But I wonder whether, for many in Gen Z, religious services act as third spaces that promote long-term partner finding and retention. Like dating apps, IRL third spaces can attract the like-minded, often grounded in criteria people value highly, and help narrow a pool of potential partners — eliminating the “infinite scroll.” Spaces outside of home and work were, in effect, the original dating apps.
In-person meetups have become popular across age groups since pandemic lockdowns ended. But for Gen Z in particular, in-person opportunities to mingle with friends and potential partners seem especially important — 43 percent of people ages 18 to 29 said they were “in a relationship with someone who was first a friend,” a significantly higher proportion than in previous generations. “Retro” ways of meeting people through real-life connections and places help build relationships on shared interests and trust, which certainly appeals to a generation of young people rejecting dating apps and seeking authenticity and ways to facilitate in-person connections. As members of the first “digitally native” generation, we’ve learned the hard way that certain kinds of fulfillment can only be found offline. With people settling down later in their 20s or 30s, third spaces are even more important to recent graduates looking for love and friendship. College provides plentiful opportunities to meet friends and partners — parties, classes, university clubs and sports, Greek life events, etc. In many ways, college had the third spaces built in. But graduating often means leaving this social structure behind. While online dating might seem convenient at first, for Gen Zers seeking love, the best advice might be to just “get back out there” — into the real world.
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