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Here’s the deal: gambling is no longer for casinos and church basements.
If you live in a state, the odds are that using your mobile device to bet on sports is legal or is well on its way to becoming so—and to bankroll important local projects like new-look debtors’ prisons.
But why stop at taking the under on the Knicks versus the Pistons during your lunch break, when there are so many exciting things to wager away your life’s savings on?
Responsibly, of course, thanks to these richly backed but poorly designed apps.
BetM.T.A.
Commuting has always been a crapshoot, but now you can lawfully wager on whether your train will be on time, how many rats you’ll see running around on the tracks, and what the empty subway car will smell like—which might just be money if you follow this week’s Turnstile Tip from our in-house betting experts, who say to stand clear of the splashing urine.
WedKings
From long-shot loves to sure-thing sweethearts, bet your heart out on the romantic futures of the betrothed and beyond. Will the groom make that hideous hog face that tough guys make when they don’t want to cry? Do the bride’s parents know that she’s been married before, to a yogi she met while living on that Chilean hemp commune? Is that older, frowning couple in the corner headed for divorce, or are they just going to ride this thing out till death do them part? Other than the bouquet toss—which we all know is a sham—everything is fair game.
ClamDuel
Two bivalves, one line of salt laid out between them on a splintery old picnic table—whichever clam’s retractable foot reaches out and touches it first wins big for about half the people at home watching a live stream of the action. In compliance with Rhode Island’s Chowderhead Act, ClamDuel is not authorized to suggest that this is a positive way to spend one’s time. However, it’s a thrill to announce that we’ve partnered with the Boston Red Sox to become the team’s official “clambling” partner. For those disturbed by the fact that clams have feet, dial 1-555-UNSEA for Connecticut’s twenty-four-hour help hotline.
WeatherWager
Double-down on your decision not to bring an umbrella with you, or bask in the warm rays of this windfall: new users enjoy a bonus bet when they join with the promo code DUSTINHOFFMAN. Yes, the Academy Award winning “Rain Man” himself is this app’s paid spokesperson.
MaxSlax
Pack your pockets with winnings and get in on all the shopping-for-slacks action. Will those pleated pants fit? And, if they do, will you look like a dweeb? How many hours is it going to take for you to pack them back into the shipping bag that you tore open and bring it down to the post office? Can you just take it to the post office? Do you need to print out a label? Do you know anyone with a printer? Does their printer have toner? Come to think of it, maybe it would be more fun to just burn your money and bet on how long it takes to turn to ash.
GodsOdds
This might seem sacrilegious, but since none of the holy books explicitly condemn mobile gambling, even the most pious can play while they pray. Place wagers on whether or not there’s an afterlife, which religion is right, and the number of points scored by the Pope in his latest post-Mass pickup game. Why the Hell not? You know what they say: all underdogs go to Heaven. ♦
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