House Republicans Hold Emergency Meeting to See Who Has to Sit Next to Matt Gaetz

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—House Republicans have convened an emergency meeting to determine who must sit next to Representative Matt Gaetz going forward.

Members of the conference had hoped to take a week off after the gruelling ordeal of ousting Kevin McCarthy, but the matter of who would be forced to sit next to Gaetz “had to be settled,” one G.O.P. congressperson said.

“Colleagues have declared that, if they are required to sit next to Matt, they will retire from politics instead,” the legislator, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, said. “We could lose our majority over this.”

Republicans’ hopes that they had found a willing seatmate for Gaetz collapsed when Representative Lauren Boebert flatly refused the assignment.

“Even I have standards,” she reportedly said.