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The back yard is currently infested with people hoping your offer falls through so that they can spring in with offers of their own and finally get a godforsaken house. None of them know you. All of them hate you.
The refrigerator may look brand new and top of the line, but it’s actually an extreme threat to your safety for reasons we can’t get into right now. We would be willing to take it off of your hands for the low price of three hundred dollars.
Do you remember that one “Breaking Bad” episode in which Jesse wants to buy his parents’ house, so he has Saul blackmail them into selling it to him for less than half price by telling them that he knows about the meth lab Jesse is running in the basement? Well, the bad news is there’s clearly evidence of a meth lab in this basement, too, but it’s not strong enough to use as leverage to lower the price. The good news is that “Breaking Bad” still holds up really well.
The house is not currently in a flood zone, but, given recent weather events, it will probably end up flooding a few hours from now, anyway, so try to lock in a good insurance rate while you still can.
The laws of gravity apply in this house, as evidenced by the fact that the glass saltshaker fell to the ground and broke when we dropped it. This was done for extremely necessary research purposes and not by accident when we were trying to prove that we knew how to juggle, so there is really no reason for anyone to get mad at anybody.
Wait, you want to keep the fridge? Even though it’s clearly a safety hazard for reasons we would love to get into but unfortunately just don’t have time for? What if we lower the removal price to two hundred and fifty dollars?
Something in the attic is alive. It walks on two legs and seems docile but not as docile as you’d probably like it to be.
The smoke alarms are all functional, but instead of emitting high-pitched beeps, they emit a voice that sounds like your uncle who works in accounting asking, “Are you sure you can afford all this?”
That painting of the old man in the dining room is terrifying. If the seller offers to leave it with you, please do not take them up on it, as we’re assuming that is how the curse gets transferred.
We totally ran out of time to check the upstairs bathroom because our friend texted right as we were about to go in there and said he had just scored extra Taylor Swift tickets, and they were ours if we wanted them, but we had to meet him, like, right now if we were going to make the show with enough time to pre-game for three hours. But it’s probably fine, and you weren’t planning to go in there that often, anyway, right?
We’re not sure why, but the washer and dryer clearly hate each other and are each dedicated to undermining the other’s work at all costs.
All right, fine, I’ll just say it: I really, really want this fridge. My current one is awful. Can I have it? Please?
O.K., so it turns out that the roof isn’t so much a roof as it is a bunch of tinfoil that the sellers folded into a triangular shape. It is both weirdly impressive and probably worth looking into.
As a result of all this, we anticipate the assessed value of the home will increase by five hundred thousand dollars and recommend that you adjust your offer accordingly. ♦
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