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Riverbanks can get lonely. Luckily, plenty of eager scorpions are around to offer frogs their company. Consider these happy pairs:
The Scorpion: You’re paddling a bit slow. Need a boost?
The Frog: Is it poison?
The Scorpion: You call anything that’s alternative “poison.” You know it’s insulting, right?
The Frog: Fair. Is it poison?
The Scorpion: It’s a supplement. From my tail.
The Frog: We actually made it. I’m impressed.
The Scorpion: Not one sting. See how much easier taking a ferry was?
The Frog: True that. Could you Venmo me for your ticket?
The Scorpion: I don’t trust apps—they’re after your DNA. I’ll pay you back later, don’t worry.
The Scorpion: Lovely dinner. Same time next week?
The Frog: Really? I’d like to, I’m just surprised. You were kind of quiet.
The Scorpion: Sorry it felt that way. Could you carry me home?
The Frog: Maybe we could both swim? Or take turns, fifty-fifty?
The Scorpion: I forgot my swimming pincers.
The Frog: Well, all right. But you had fun, right?
The Scorpion: Buckets. I’ll text after we cross.
The Frog: Could you stop shedding chitin in the shower? It clogs.
The Scorpion: My bad.
The Frog: It’s disgusting. Last night, I pulled out something Lovecraftian. I’m not kidding, it talked. Our drain had opinions.
The Scorpion: I hear you. Look, there’s Drano on the other side of the river. Could you give me a lift?
The Frog: You’re running for office again? I thought you were on trial for drowning me.
The Scorpion: I’m not making a comeback. We are. This time, we finish it. This time, the fish pay for mocking us. Carry me, and I’ll bring purity back to the river.
The Frog: You did drown me . . . but I really hate fish.
The Scorpion: No. We hate fish.
The Scorpion: You’ll make it this time. I feel it.
The Frog: Maybe. You sting me whenever my form’s even slightly off.
The Scorpion: That’s the process. It’ll be sick when you nail it.
The Frog: You could just let me cross.
The Scorpion: That wouldn’t mean anything.
The Scorpion: It’s been four years. Carry me, or the anti-fish lunatics win.
The Frog: Do we get health care this time?
The Scorpion: Maybe. I’m not saying you won’t.
The Frog: Can’t you at least lie? Let me believe?
The Scorpion: No, that makes donors nervous. Ready to go?
The Scorpion: This is special. I’ve never met a frog like you.
The Frog: Are you swimming with anyone else?
The Scorpion: Nah, I’m too old-fashioned. One amphibian’s enough for me.
The Frog: Someone swam with my friend Toad. And stung them.
The Scorpion: They’re lying.
The Frog: How can a dead toad lie?
The Scorpion: I’ll explain while we cross.
The Frog: So you’ll both fight? In a cage?
Scorpion A: Absolutely.
Scorpion B: Billions, gone. Gone. I mean, yeah, cage match.
Scorpion A: The arena’s on the other side of the river.
The Frog: Well . . . watching that would give me a few seconds of joy.
Scorpion B: Hmm, now I’m not sure.
Scorpion A: Hush. I’ll see you in the ring.
The Scorpion: Come on.
The Frog: I don’t know. . . .
The Scorpion: O.K., we started off with a few hundred years of stinging. Mea culpa. Never again. Now it’s a new century, and we have to cross this river together.
The Frog: That’s what you told my father. And his father. And his—
The Scorpion: All right, I didn’t want to say this. But we’re falling behind the Toad.
The Frog: Really?
The Scorpion: Yeah. And we can only catch him together. Are you in, or are we out?
The Frog: Ready to—
The Scorpion: I’m gonna sting you. You know that, right?
The Frog: So it goes. You coming?
The Scorpion: What? Why?
The Frog: It’s my nature.
The Scorpion: Nice party. But I’ve got some work waiting across the river.
Also the Scorpion: Don’t worry, we’ll cross later. See how much more venom you can store first.
Still the Scorpion: Sounds like a strategy.
Once More, the Scorpion: This feels like a waste of time.
Ever the Scorpion: Maybe we can meet a nice frog.
The Same Scorpion: Frogs? You don’t deserve frogs. This is your scene.
The Scorpion, Again: But, everyone, here’s a scorpion.
Alas, the Scorpion: Funny, that.
The Frog: I’ve done it. The other side, all by myself. No more scorpions. No more madness.
The Frog, Later: I should go downstream. Maybe there’ll be scorpions. ♦
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