In my previous update, I wrote about how doing a Third Spaces Challenge can help post-grads exercise atrophied social muscles. I talked about how the challenge has changed me: I’ve become better at asking questions, more confident when talking to strangers and even physically stronger (because of all the barre and rock climbing!).
When I began the challenge, my goal was to investigate what barriers, if any, were preventing recent graduates from finding and establishing their own third spaces. Through countless conversations with other recent graduates struggling to build community in new cities, as well as a few failed “third-spacing” attempts of my own, I’ve found three key structural barriers that communities should consider when thinking about how to create and improve third spaces.
When I talk to recent graduates struggling to make friends in new cities, safety concerns are often the first topic of conversation. This is especially true for the female recent grads I’ve spoken to. It’s an annoying irony that concerns about going out after dark are most impactful during the winter, when many people crave company and connection most.
When I unexpectedly ran into Lucie Kneip, a college friend of mine, at the airport last weekend, she told me she’d recently moved to D.C. and been struggling to make new friends in the city. When I asked why, she immediately cited concerns about going out late at night. Even a recent 10-minute walk from the Metro to a friend’s place in the dark put Lucie in an uncomfortable position.
“I regret going alone,” she said. During the walk on a dimly lit street, she told me she’d been catcalled. “If I had fur like a dog I think it would have been standing on end the whole time.”
During my own Third Spaces Challenge, I avoided going out into the city of South Bend, Ind., alone after dark, which unfortunately ruled out fun third spaces and evening events such as jazz jam sessions, comedy clubs and improv groups.
If I had someone to go with — a group of girlfriends who lived locally or a spouse — it might be a different story. But like many recent grads going to third spaces to find that community in the first place, I don’t. Reagan Johanson McQueen, a Gen-Zer who’s also new to the D.C. area, feels the same. She tells me she avoids going to social events at night alone if she can’t bring her husband or a group of “gal pals” along with her.
Try as we might, most of us don’t live in Gilmore Girls’ Stars Hollow, the idyllic small town where news of community events travels by word of mouth in quaint coffee shops and perpetually decorated public parks. We have to find out about third spaces and community events by other means — mostly online.
In my experience during the challenge, most weeks — except for those around Veterans Day and Thanksgiving — there were more than enough events happening in town for me to choose from. The difficulty was finding well-attended ones I’d enjoy, especially going alone.
Online groups can be hit or miss. Lucie said groups on Facebook or Meetup.com are “not very active or aren’t as welcoming as they could be. Either way, trying to find social events and make friends feels much less organic than it did at university.”
I had more success directly asking friends (and all of you) what places I should visit as part of the challenge, rather than scrolling online to find groups and events.
For me, the Third Spaces Project was an effective way to explore my community because of the discipline, intentionality and consistency I had to put into it. I had a plan: I gathered ideas about where to go from the community around me, and I had a team and audience to hold me accountable. In short, the Third Spaces Project worked for me because it was my job.
But most recent graduates aren’t getting paid to find community in their hometowns, and most aren’t on a flexible freelance schedule, either. After six weeks, though, I’m convinced that maybe recent grads should treat building their social lives like a part-time job — at least in the first few years after graduation. Social media and the relative ease of socializing in college might have caused some of those muscles to atrophy. You need to purposefully schedule time to socialize if you want it to happen.
Small actions compound over time. As I reassured Lucie while we boarded our plane to D.C., making an effort to be consistent in following through with plans, and being proactive in creating them, will pay dividends as you move through post-grad life.
I want to hear from you! Respond to this week’s question, and I might include your reply in the Tuesday edition of my newsletter, which is available only via email. (It’s free!) This week, I want to know: What are your best tips for beating the winter blues? Fill out our form to tell us.
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