Excerpts from a Posting for My Ideal Job

You are an experienced writer who lives and breathes finding excuses to avoid writing.

You are passionate about having enough money for things like food, rent, clothes, and a Lifetime Movie Club subscription.

You know what an Oxford comma is, and you have a strong opinion about it that you’ll share with just about anyone if you sense that it could waste twelve minutes of company time.

You have a hunger for just hanging out and vibing.

You also have a hunger for food, which means that you must take a break every forty minutes to get a little snack.

You possess a keen editorial eye, a conspiratorial smile, and a mercurial shoulder that will go into full spasm if someone even mentions the word “deadline.”

You’re obsessed with finding new ways of becoming wildly over-caffeinated to the point of being totally useless.

You’re a team player who won’t hesitate to provide an in-depth recap to anyone who missed last night’s episode of “Love Island.”

You thrive in a collaborative environment of constant validation and frequent reminders that no one is mad at you.

You are not afraid to put in as many hours as it takes until your company-issued laptop runs out of battery.

You’re also an independent worker, so you won’t bother the I.T. team about the fact that your laptop battery only lasts an hour, tops.

You know when to go the extra mile, which is never, unless you’re going on a secret midday excursion to get more snacks.

You have excellent professional judgment in that you know when to put on a bra for a Zoom meeting and when to simply tilt your laptop screen back sixteen degrees and hope for the best.

You are comfortable juggling hundreds of Chrome tabs, most of which you will never return to (like a search-results page for “focus at work how do i do it help”).

You have a proven track record of increasing LOLs in the team Slack through your curation of world-class memes.

You are a persuasive leader who will convince everyone on the team to max out their allotted sick days and test the limits of “unlimited” vacation.

You are willing to take junior employees under your wing and tell them things like “Don’t even worry about that mistake! Someday we’ll all be dead” and “Honestly, I never liked this job that much.”

You understand that this is a hybrid role; you will be expected to work two days a week from your couch, one day from your bed, and one day from half on the couch and half on the floor, in a position so devoid of ergonomics that the sight of it would make even the steeliest orthopedist weep.

You will report directly to Snickerdoodle, our Chief Canine Officer (a very good girl).

Salary range: $80-90 million. ♦