Mom: The Symposium

This Mother’s Day, in lieu of brunch (overpriced and meat-heavy, in her opinion), you’re invited to this one-day symposium all about Mom.

Attendees will receive:

• Behind-the-scenes insight into facets of Mom’s interior life that you
  have never remotely considered.
• Wide-ranging, embarrassing anecdotes out of nowhere.
• Fun swag! Or at least a bag full of your middle-school reports on
  photosynthesis and the Donner Party that she can’t save for you
  forever.

A few housekeeping notes:

• No nametags will be distributed, because you should know these
  people.
• Photos and recordings will be prohibited so that you can’t make some
  nonsense Gen-Z meme, like of Mom next to a photo of an ice-cream cone
  with audio of a stranger going “aaaah.”

Agenda

9 A.M.
Plenary: “Why I Think She Looks at Us That Way Sometimes, an Overview”
Dad will outline his theories, and will review specific examples, such as when he questioned her “system” for organizing coffee mugs; that time he learned, twenty years into their marriage, that she doesn’t like grapefruit; and what happens when he puts air quotes around words like “system.”

10 A.M.
Seminar: “Love to Hate”
Mom will unpack her mixed feelings on paint-and-sip nights, outdoor yoga, Candace from her Buy Nothing group, and more.

11 A.M.
Roundtable: “Don’t Call Them Quirks”
Topics will include the almost British accent she uses when ordering takeout, the flamingo pajamas we only saw on camping trips, and that faraway look she gets when listening to the Grateful Dead’s “Eyes of the World.”

12 P.M.
Debate: “Life Is But a Dream: Did These Things Actually Happen?”
There will be heated discourse among her children about the time she started a catering business with Mrs. Walters, a purported trip to the Grand Canyon, and when you came home from camp and Sprout the hamster was gone and no one would talk about it.

1 P.M.
Advanced Course: “The Mothership”
A tense lecture on the ins and outs of her relationship with Grandma that will not be followed by a Q. & A.

1:30 P.M.
Lunch

• Beverages and small bites are available, but only if you clean up
  after yourselves.
• Neutral conversation topics will be provided.
• Go talk to your cousin Rachel about art school—she likes to draw now.

2:30 P.M.
Breakout Sessions

• “How Is She the Cat’s Least Favorite Person?”
• “Why Your Brother Didn’t Get Grounded for Doing the Same Thing You
  Did (Though It’s Time to Get Over That, Honey)”
• “Some Thoughts on Dad’s Pickleball Obsession”
• “She Works Hard for the Money—But What Exactly Is Her Job and Is It
  Too Late to Ask What ‘M. & A.’ Stands For?”
• “Clive Owen”

4 P.M.
Panel Discussion: “What Mom Wants Most”
This will feature distinguished guests, including Dr. Martin, the therapist who called her “intimidating”; Malcolm, her senior-prom date; Tammy, the neighbor who never makes eye contact; and Julie, her real-estate agent who likes to “check in.”

5 P.M.
Fireside Chat
An excruciating conversation between Mom and Aunt Cheryl.

6 P.M.
Closing Remarks by Mom
She’ll take as long as she wants to update attendees on the recent activities of relatives you’ve never met, vegetables that have thrived in her garden (and why), and shows and movies featuring Keri Russell. She will conclude by stating what she actually wants most, which none of the panelists got right: to earn Queen Bee in Spelling Bee without hints, for her children to feel good about themselves, and for all of us to go to the sing-along “Sound of Music” at the open-air theatre this summer. Is that so hard? ♦