There is a big demand these days for effigies of me, and I’m happy to report that we now offer two different versions for purchase.
The first is the standard, “classic” effigy of me, suitable for hanging from a tree limb or a scaffold. This effigy can also be dragged behind a horse. It is durable enough to withstand at least ten hangings or five horse-draggings. The classic effigy comes with a free hangman’s noose or lasso.
The second effigy of me is designed for burning at the stake. Of course, this effigy can be used only once, but it has a hardwood skeleton, which burns more slowly than the cloth-and-paper “flesh.”
We are pleased to announce the addition of a new feature: an embedded audio recording of my actual voice, telling the onlookers that I curse them and will see them in Hell.
My creative team is also working on completely new effigies of me. One idea is to stuff the effigy with some sort of bait, so that it will be attacked by sharks. The effigy would be pulled through the water by a fishing line, and the arms would flop as if swimming. We are trying to figure out a way to delay the shark attack until the effigy is just about to reach the safety of shore.
Another idea is to have someone push the effigy of me off a cliff. It tumbles down and down, finally rolling to a stop, and then, for some reason, explodes.
Still another idea is to have kids shoot arrows at the effigy, and somehow have it flinch whenever one hits.
We will continue to research and refine these ideas.
Meanwhile, some proposals for effigies of me have been dropped, such as having my effigy choke on a piece of meat and then fall over dead. Our test group was not excited by this one. The reaction was better if I turned blue before keeling over, but not good enough.
Responses were mixed to having an elephant step on my head, which would then burst open and gush out a delicious yellow pudding. Spoons would be provided.
Me covered with ants went nowhere.
Some customers question the idea of paying money to the very same person they’re hanging or burning. To them I say that we make the very best effigies of me. Each one is stuffed with the finest French rags and rare old newspapers—some even collectible. The eyeglasses, which pop and melt when my effigy is burned, are made to have the same exact prescription as mine.
Ask yourself, Do I really want to show up at an anti-Jack rally with a cheap-looking, homemade effigy? Or with one of the many foreign-made effigies, which fall apart at the first hanging or emit dangerous toxins when burned? Our effigies of me are proudly made right here in America (although the heads are made in China).
Some people want my effigy factory shut down. Fine, but that would mean I’d have to lay off our nearly two hundred workers, including the children. And close down the tent city where most of the workers live.
For now, business is humming. Our busy Christmas season is approaching, and, of course, we sell a lot of effigies of me on my birthday. We are thinking of adding a new service that writes angry letters to me.
One day, inevitably, the demand for effigies of me will decline, and that’s when I will put them on sale. I might even have a clearance sale where “All of Me Must Go!”
Until then, I just hope that when you’re hanging me or burning me or dragging me behind a horse, you stop and think, Maybe he’s a horrible, horrible person, but he sure makes a damn fine effigy of himself.
(Prices of the effigies of me are available upon request.) ♦
