MIAMI BEACH (The Borowitz Report)—In an exuberant endorsement of a 2024 Republican Presidential hopeful, the coronavirus thanked Florida’s governor, Ron DeSantis, for “making me feel so welcome at spring break.”
“It’s been a tough couple of months for me, since Biden came in and started boosting vaccinations and mask-wearing,” the virus mentioned. “I really needed this vacation.”
The coronavirus’s reward of DeSantis as “a fantastic host” stood in sharp distinction to its harsh criticism of the Miami Beach mayor, Dan Gelber, whom the pathogen referred to as “a total buzzkill.”
“Dan Gelber has not made me feel welcome at all, which I find divisive and hurtful,” it mentioned.
The coronavirus additionally predicted that it could not be alone in supporting DeSantis’s anticipated White House bid. “Every variant I talk to is excited about it,” the virus indicated.
