The average human receives two hundred and seventy text messages a day. Sounds crazy, right? I hope so, because I made that number up.
But here’s a fact: it’s impossible to answer every text that you receive immediately. Life is busy. Either you’re looking up directions to the nearest Burlington Coat Factory or you’re perusing an actor’s IMDB page to see what show you recognize them from. It’s usually one of those two things.
We need automatic replies to common texts—sort of like out-of-office e-mails that let the people sending you texts know why we won’t be replying in a timely manner. Here are some automatic replies to cover all the reasons you can’t text back right now:
“Thanks for your text. I am currently driving to pick up pizza for the second time this week. This wasn’t the plan. I told my partner to take the chicken out of the freezer when they got home from work last night, but apparently happy hour was more important.”
“Appreciate you reaching out. I will get back to you as soon as I figure out whose unsaved number this is.”
“I am unable to respond right now. I’m watching the game on an illegal streaming site and the stream finally stopped buffering. I can’t jinx it. And, yes, I will send you your money if and when my team loses.”
“Hi, unfortunately, I can’t text at the moment. I’ve misplaced my phone. It’s either between the sofa cushions or in the other room. Honestly, can you call me? I need my phone to vibrate so that I can find it. Thanks for your help.”
“What’s up? You texted me at the worst time. I’m in an emergency work meeting. It’s not looking good. This is basically my third strike with the manager. I’m so cooked. I’ll get back to you after I learn my fate. Feel free to send job postings in the meantime.”
“I’m drunkkkk. I know, it’s only 2 P.M., but bottomless brunch was nooo joke. I’ll hit you up after my nap. Also, after I eat my leftover eggs Benedict—mmm.”
“I will never text back. You’re not real. You’re spam. Cut it out. I don’t have time for this. And don’t bother calling, either. I’ll decline that, too. You’re NEVER getting my money, so go find another sucker.”
“I’m scrolling TikTok and I’m a thousand per cent sure that your text is not better than my TikTok algorithm.”
“My kid has my phone and they’re destroying my battery. They’ve had it for an hour. I don’t even know what they’re doing on it, but they’re finally quiet. I can’t ruin this peace. Thanks for your patience.”
“Help! I ran into a friend’s ex at the grocery store and they are currently chatting with me even though my headphones are in. Call me A.S.A.P. so I can walk away. This is urgent.” ♦
