Summer is ending. The kids are going back to school. I know the kids are going back to school because of all the commercials with them dancing near lockers to promote the back-to-school sales.
And when the kids go back to school, I’m going back to introversion. In a few days, I will no longer be on some bar’s back patio asking friends, “What song is this?” Instead, I will be on my couch, asking myself, “What day is it?”
But where are my sales? Introverts need supplies, too. Here are the essential items stores need to discount for people planning to avoid extracurricular social engagements, like me.
Sweatpants
All the sweatpants I currently wear around the house have far too many miscellaneous stains on them. Four is O.K.—but five? I must draw the line somewhere.
Paper Cups and Plates
I’ll be spending time inside, but I won’t spend it washing dishes. Use of my sedentary isolation needs to be maximized. Put paper crockery on sale and I’ll buy it in bulk at the self-checkout, to avoid the possibility of any discussion with a cashier.
Plants
Who needs the outside when you can bring nature inside? Since I’m planning to just be hanging around all the time, I’ll always be in position to water them. And when I get lonely, I can have introspective conversations with them.
Noise-Cancelling Headphones
In the off chance that my neighbors decide to have a social gathering, I’ll need a way to block out their extroversion. Secondhand social interactions give me anxiety, too. And my walls are thin enough to hear the muffled echoes of, “So, what do you do for work?”
Pets
A pet will be the perfect indoor sidekick. A fun trick will be getting matching outfits (on sale). That way, I can pretend we’re about to attend a function, but it’s really just practice for next summer.
Ab Rollers
While inside—eating, drinking, and lying down to watch new documentaries—I have visions of obtaining a six-pack. I’m not guaranteeing that I’ll definitely ever use this equipment, but I’d be more inspired to consider using it if it were marked down.
Phone Chargers
If I’m not going to see friends in person, my phone will need to be fully charged at all times to maintain contact with my social circle. When anyone reaches out to invite me places, I’ll need to send them polite excuses (egregious lies) as to why I can’t make it.
PlayStation 5s
Both introverts and extroverts alike can benefit from a PlayStation 5 sale. And if a friend invites me over to play, this is the one thing I’ll be social for.
Karaoke Machines
At some point, my introvert ways will grow tiresome, even to me. I’ll crave some excitement. This is where the karaoke microphone and speaker come into play. A karaoke night with my friends will be something I look forward to—until I cancel it, day of.
Fog Machines
When karaoke is cancelled, that will thankfully mean nobody is coming over. But the theatrical show will go on—just for me. ♦
