U.S. CAPITOL INSURRECTION LOST AND FOUND INVENTORY
(Items that are not collected will be listed, by lot, on auction site www.coup-pawn.com.)
Cell Phones
iPhone538, iPhone6, iPhone666, iPhoneArea51, iPhone7, iPhone8 with Find-but-Don’t-Implicate-My-Phone function on, SamsungQ02, Nokia Contendere1, Motorola Razr Flip-for-a-Lighter-Sentence, Jitterbug1776
Watches
1 Timex Armageddon, 1 Swatch Bait ’n’ Swatch, 3 Seiko Trespassers, 1 Breitling Kristallnacht
Wallets
Please call 1-800-NOT-FBITIPS.
Clothing
T-shirts: 1 “Property of Aunt Tifa,” 1 with face of David Hyde Pierce “Nihilist Crane”
Windbreakers: 3 “FIB,” 1 “Maul Security,” 1 “Windbreaker”
1 fleece vest “Official Forged Elector”
1 hooded sweatshirt “Proud Goys”
11 S & M leather hoods (10 zippered-mouth, 1 Velcro)
4 onesies “My 1st Sedition” (3-6 mo., 6-9 mo., 1 yr., adult L)
7 eye patches
2 pairs parachute pants
3 gloves (left)
1,107 gloves (right)
Miscellaneous
6 empty recyclable cans bear spray
2 empty recyclable cans Bear Spray-brand self-tanner
1 pump bottle “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Bear Spray”
8 sticks bear roll-on
1 flag “WHITESNAKE” over “Don’t Tread on Metal”
23 zip-ties, personalized “Zach Melchior, lic. massage: Reiki, Swedish, Cranial-Sacral. Venmo: @knead2know”
1 pack ZipTwizzlers
1 paperback “Turn Your Redwood Deck Into a Gallows!”
19 3-D printers
1 palette tinfoil
1 half-palette tossable paper towels
1 Klingon-English dictionary
57 sippy cups
26 pairs Dr. Scholl’s Insole-nts
2 vials Moderna human-growth hormone
1 vial Johnson & Johnson human-growth hormone
49 vape pens
1 vape hi-liter
2 bottles non-runnable hair dye (mousy brown)
3 pairs men’s upper-body armor (with underwire)
832 Cialis gummies
1 Ayn Rand coloring book
1 eight-track tape “Best of Ted Nugent”
7 pairs Warby Parker tear-gas goggles
1 Jewish Space Laser USB charger
1 Jewish Space Laser holster
1 Blu-ray disc “Home Alone 2”
1 Blu-ray player
1 Swiss Navy knife
1 “Babylon 5” lunchbox
1 “Marvelous Mrs. Maisel” promotional makeup box
1 three-pack camouflage condoms
37 hockey sticks (various)
1 hockey puck (Rockford Ice Hogs)
2 hockey moms (various)
12 vacuum packs beef jerky
1 vacuum pack Impossible plant-based jerky
1 combination Taser/bedazzler
1 power washer/delouser
3 lawn darts
29 airplane neck pillows
5 aqua noodles
73 vuvuzelas
1 bugle
1 fife
1 cudgel (teak)
1 Wiffle cudgel (plastic)
2 squeegees
1 human shield
1 inflatable human shield
1 pair scaffolding crampons
1 T-shirt cannon
3 police batons
1 police-baton koozie
1 bolt-cutter (std.)
1 bolt-cutter (Phillips-head)
8 giant foam fingers (assorted colors)
1 giant foam spleen (red)
1 Flowbee
1 can Shaman headdress dry shampoo
1 upside-down Bible
1 Druid hymnal
144 Oath Keepers seat cushions
1 Bankers Box containing 11,781 photocopied blank Georgia ballots
1 N-95 “Phantom of the Opera” mask
1 pair testicles labelled “Sen. Cruz”
