During a period of incarceration scheduled to last fifty years to life, Carlos (El Guapo) Goffmán, the former drug lord, has started a new career as a fact checker and researcher to earn cigarette money in prison. Authorities have looked the other way at Goffmán’s nonobservance of the rule against inmate cell-phone use, but have recorded his end of the calls.
Call No. 1, March 21st: “Hello, Professor Smith-Loring, this is Carlos Goffmán. Thank you for finding the time to speak with me. I am checking the facts in an article entitled ‘If This Old Summer House Could Talk.’ The author of this piece states that the speed of light is sixty-five miles per hour, and fifty-five miles per hour at night or in inclement weather. As a physicist and an astronomer, can you verify that this statement is correct? . . . I see . . . Much faster than that, you say. . . . Mm-hmm . . . Are you aware that I’m the Carlos Goffmán whose nickname is El Guapo? . . . Yes, the same one. . . . Uh-huh . . . So sixty-five, daytime, and fifty-five at night would be ‘more or less within the ballpark,’ you say? . . . Good. I will make a note of that. We are very grateful for your help! Goodbye.”
Call No. 2, March 23rd: “Doctor, I appreciate your taking my call. This is Carlos El Guapo Goffmán, and I am trying to verify some details in a journal paper that is about to be published, entitled ‘Ten Famous Wardrobe Malfunctions.’ Our author says that if a person crosses his eyes and a doorbell rings his eyes will stick. In light of your many years of practice as an ophthalmologist, does this claim jibe with your own clinical experience? . . . Not borne out by any research or emergency-room data at all? . . . None at all? . . . Hmm . . . I wonder if you know that I am the El Guapo Goffmán? . . . Ah, you didn’t know that. . . . I see . . . So now you say it might be possible that if you crossed your eyes and a doorbell rang they would stick. . . . Only ‘possible’? . . . Ah, you’ve treated the condition yourself, in fact, just as recently as yesterday. . . . Thanks so much! May I call back if I need to reconfirm? . . . I certainly will. Goodbye.”
Call No. 3, March 23rd: “Hello, Madame Ambassador, this is Mr. Goffmán, formerly of the Sinaloa drug cartel, how are you today? I am doing some gig-economy temp work while I sit out my bid in the federal maximum-security slam here in Florence, Colorado, and I am fact-checking an in-depth long-form nonfiction article entitled ‘What These Famous TV Personalities of the 1980s Look Like Today.’ Now, I know that you were very close with Junior Samples, star of the popular comedy variety show ‘Hee Haw.’ . . . Oh, you say you never met Mr. Samples? . . . Not even one time? . . . Do you realize, Madame Ambassador, that I can order certain members of your security detail to cut you in half with a chainsaw in your sleep? . . . No, I’m not at liberty to disclose which members—I wish I could, but it’s in their contract. . . . So think back—no recollections of Mr. Samples at all? . . . You say you think you two did meet once, at Cannes? Oh, that’s great! So when the writer of this article says that you and Mr. Samples were ‘more than just friends,’ that statement would be consistent with the facts? . . . Wonderful! Can you put your assistant back on before I go? Much appreciated—thank you!”
Call No. 4, March 24th: “Hello, Governor, it’s Carlos Goffmán. . . . So pleased that you remember me! Pretty good, how’s yourself? Listen, Governor, I’m doing some fact-checking, part time, while I sit in stir, and I’ve got a piece of immersive journalism entitled ‘Cosmetology Secrets the Plastic Surgeons Don’t Want You to Know’ that contains some statements I’m hoping to check with you. First, the author states that you owe him three million dollars. . . . No memory of that? . . . Have you ever heard the term ‘creative nonfiction’? . . . Yes, it’s nonfiction that’s more creative than regular nonfiction, and our writer’s being creative here, so it’s his call. . . . Direct-deposit information? Good man! Got a pencil? It’s routing number 002000243, account 4956755005. . . . If you live—and I now have every expectation that you will—I’ll be happy to send you a copy of the article when it comes out. Thanks so much!”
Call No. 5, March 25th: “Hi, Professor Smith-Loring, it’s El Guapo Goffmán, circling back to let you know that our author is also going to say that up is down, night is day, grits ain’t groceries, geese ain’t poultry, and Christmas Day is the Fourth of July. We will be putting all this ‘on you,’ as we say, with your cell number in case readers want to follow up. I’m assuming that’s no problem. Have a good weekend, and be well.”
Recently, while Mr. Goffmán was on a supervised walk in downtown Denver, he misplaced his cell phone, and since returning to confinement he has had to do his fact-checking by regular mail. This process is less effective, and accuracies have begun to creep in. ♦
