May 11, 2398
It’s laborious to imagine that 4 hundred years in the past there have been 8.7 million species of animals on Earth. After the Great Extinction Event, we thought that solely two remained: tuna and labradoodles. But we have now not too long ago found eight different species, lengthy believed misplaced, alive and thriving in sudden locations.
How did they escape extinction? A handful of eco-warriors of the Millennial Age, with unbelievable wealth and foresight, saved these animals secure of their non-public zoos and properties. At the time, they had been mocked and reviled, even seen as criminals. All proper, they had been truly criminals. But now we are able to thank them for preserving the biodiversity of our planet.
London White Alligator
The white alligators that surfaced in London’s Thames River are descendants of Vishnu and Brian, two exceedingly uncommon albino specimens saved by the crime boss Dominic (An Unmarried Woman) Dukas. Legend has it that the pair loved their very personal, all-white penthouse at the Dorchester, and had been recognized to order “kayakers” through room service.
Mafia Parrot
A flock of tough-ass birds found in the Traiano space of Naples may be traced again to African grey parrots owned by Salvatore Patriarca, head of the Iommi-Gnocchi clan. They had been educated to reply the telephone with “I’m gonna kill you.” When introduced in as witnesses in opposition to their boss, they repeated “Who do we gotta blow to get outta this place?” till a mistrial was declared.
Hot-Tub Cobra
In the nineteen-nineties, the Northern California marijuana kingpin Jeff (The Therapist) McGrath launched a pair of Egyptian black desert cobras to his property, the place they shortly and inexplicably turned aquatic. McGrath allowed them to proliferate in his twenty-person redwood sizzling tub, claiming that they had been “just chilling out” and that he had no proper to tamper with nature.
Spine-Eating Eagle
A descendant of the Philippine eagle, this species was dropped at Moscow by Boris (Sixteen Candles) Kuznetsov, of the Balabanov crime group. Naturally vicious peckers, these birds had been bred to make use of their robust beaks to tear out the spines of law-enforcement brokers. They had been presumed extinct till one miraculously emerged from Bunker 42—sixty-five metres beneath the streets of Moscow—blinking and rubbing his eyes.
Stripeless White Tiger
An prolonged household of stripeless, not-super-smart white tigers present in the Grutas de Cacahuamilpa caves, close to Mexico City, are doubtless the descendants of two relentlessly inbred specimens that when belonged to the cartel chief Jesus (El Baby) de Dios. These progenitors, Uranus and Dayenu, had been saved in a lavish underground bunker and fed a gradual eating regimen of spring breakers. Their offspring, who are actually being cared for in a sanctuary, refuse any meat that’s not sporting shorts.
Death-Stalker Peacock
Considered in its day to be the world’s most deadly peafowl, this magnificent creature—prized for its plumage, ferocity, and ear-splitting cry—roamed the grounds of the Las Vegas crime boss Danny (The Sack) Nagel’s mansion. Known to assault their very own reflections, these peacocks had been educated to punish informers, who had been wrapped in Mylar and positioned of their midst. The birds had been finally seized by authorities and launched in Death Valley, the place it was hoped that they might perish.
Minnesota Smuggler Snake
A yellow anaconda was not too long ago found beneath a baggage carrousel at Duluth International Airport. Though we are able to’t hint him to a selected conservationist, traditionally, it was common for felony organizations to make use of snakes as drug mules—feeding them condoms stuffed with cocaine and watching them slip previous airport customs officers with out elevating suspicion.
Manhattan-Sewer Swan
Swans, thought-about of their time to be an emblem of magnificence, grace, and lasting love, had been additionally brutal, difficult assholes. They may simply as simply decapitate a boater as die of a damaged coronary heart. They had been additionally nice at deterring geese. These qualities, along with their white coloring, made them the good drug-lord hen. Before his arrest, the crime boss Dmitri (The Exfoliator) Kahn flushed his beloved whooper swans down the rest room, sending them underground into New York City’s sewer system, and saving them from sure extinction.
