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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In the latest setback to Rep. Jim Jordan’s bid to be Speaker of the House, Rep. George Santos has declared the Ohio congressman’s identity “not worth stealing.”
Minutes after Jordan lost the first round of voting for Speaker, Santos took to the floor of the House and told his colleagues, “I would be embarrassed to use any credit card with Jim Jordan’s name on it.”
“Don’t get me wrong, I was no fan of Kevin McCarthy,” Santos went on. “But, when it came time to buy myself a new pair of Uggs, sure, I gave Kevin’s Amex a whirl.”
Jordan, Santos claimed, was “another story.”
“I would never in a million years steal Jim’s identity,” he said. “Pretending to be Jim Jordan, even for a minute, would leave me feeling unclean.”
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