Why did the United States make GoFundMe a part of the federal government?
We carried out a survey and located that, on the subject of serving to Americans meet their primary wants, individuals rated GoFundMe as “very effective” and the U.S. authorities as “dumpster fire.” So, we eliminated the choice of “dumpster fire” from all future surveys and determined to construct our very personal nationwide fund-raising web site. Then we realized, Duh, we don’t know tips on how to construct a Web web site! That’s after we simply took GoFundMe by eminent area.
How will you successfully combine on-line fund-raising into the remainder of authorities?
GoFundMe is now the primary approach we offer for American residents, so a greater query could be: How will you successfully combine the remainder of our authorities into GoFundMe? And our reply is: We’re working onerous at GoFundMe, O.Okay., sweeties? Also, we’ve changed all of GoFundMe’s tech-savvy workers with stodgy bureaucrats who will obtain beneficiant pensions.
What are a few of the authorities providers that Americans can now fund-raise for on-line?
Most Americans already depend on GoFundMe for meals, lease, and medical care. Now they will contribute to Social Security, unemployment insurance coverage, federal salaries, and army safety. Gofundme.gov can also be the brand new supply for stimulus reimbursement funds, so should you don’t get your fourteen-hundred-dollar verify, you’ll be able to blame your grasping, non-generous neighbor as a substitute of us, O.Okay.? I imply, what—he doesn’t have 5 bucks to provide?
Wait, may you return and supply a number of extra particulars on how we’ll use GoFundMe to pay for the army?
Uh, positive, however it’s precisely what it looks as if. Instead of coming to Congress, the Pentagon will publish future army tasks on GoFundMe. Don’t fear: the whole lot the Pentagon posts can be in Pig Latin, to guard nationwide safety. For instance, should you see a web page in search of funds for “arWay ithWay orthNay oreaKay,” which means we’re elevating cash to go to battle with North Korea. Oops, guess now that one’s not a shock.
Wouldn’t or not it’s higher to repair the damaged health-care system and lift the minimal wage to take away the necessity for GoFundMe altogether, as a substitute of leaning on GoFundMe to unravel the whole lot?
Wouldn’t or not it’s higher if we may all journey to the moon by practice and the moon had been fabricated from ice cream and we may breathe on the moon and the moon had been some magic place the place American democracy nonetheless labored? Yeah! It could be higher.
I’m an immigrant baby separated from my household on the border. Should I begin a GoFundMe, or do you suppose that the federal government—
Yes. Do a GoFundMe.
Can I at the least look cute within the photograph that accompanies my stimulus-check fund-raiser?
Unfortunately, no. Now that GoFundMe is a authorities service, all photographs should both be official passport photographs (white background, no smiling, face appears fats it doesn’t matter what) or taken by the photographer who does all of the photographs for Post Office employees directories. The ones the place everybody appears like a third-grade instructor in 1950.
If I select to donate to a wide range of causes, do I nonetheless should pay the identical quantity of taxes?
No.
Well, that’s excellent news! How do I apply for the donation reimbursement on my tax kind?
Oh, maintain up. I’m sorry for the confusion, however you’ll truly should pay approach extra taxes. If not on your (a lot) larger taxes, how would we offer salaries to the a whole bunch of hundreds of GoFundMe civil servants—or preserve their big, windowless, concrete dice of an workplace constructing?
This is basically dangerous, proper? This means we’re in dangerous form as a rustic?
Oh, sure. Absolutely. But come on, you knew that! If you’re actually involved, why don’t you assist out by working for America? Apply for a job at gofundme.gov by submitting your résumé through linkedin.gov, together with a deposit on your personal wage (or an inventory of fifty pals who you’re feeling assured would contribute). And bear in mind—even with all of this, we’re nonetheless by some means the No. 1 nation on this planet! Isn’t that bananas?
