Dear OOO,
I’m a feminine center supervisor at a medium-size firm. “Ben,” a male colleague with whom I’m comparatively shut, simply informed me that “Steve,” a male colleague with whom I’m not shut, informed Ben that he’s frightened of me. Steve and I don’t work in the identical division however are in conferences collectively pretty incessantly, and now I’m so self-conscious round him. I’m a pleasant individual, not a bully, I swear, however I prefer to be direct, which I feel Steve interprets as intimidating? Ben thinks it’s simply because I’m a girl, however I don’t know the right way to act round this man now—assist!
–Martine
This is completely, positively, indubitably taking place as a result of you’re a girl. I want zero further details about your office or your character or Steve to know past a shadow of a doubt that he’s both frightened of you—or he’s telling folks he’s frightened of you—as a result of he’s uncomfortable with ladies within the office.
I do know this as a result of I’ve been informed 4 occasions that I come off as scary, and each time the accuser has been a person. (In 75 % of these instances, as in yours, the person has evidently been too scared to inform me himself, so I get the message filtered via one more man.) I do know this as a result of I requested a bunch of different ladies—ladies I do know to be good folks!—whether or not a person has ever accused them of being scary at work, and each single one stated sure. I do know this as a result of I’ve labored with many males who name themselves feminists however visibly deal with women and men otherwise within the workplace, and since I’ve labored with many ladies who’ve consciously or subconsciously altered their conduct at work over time to accommodate them. I don’t know your Steve, however I do know Steve.
I additionally know as a result of the educational analysis bears it out. A 2015 study printed in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin discovered that “men feel more threatened (relative to women) by women in superior roles (relative to men in superior roles) and, as a result, engage in more assertive behaviors toward these women.” In one a part of the experiment, males had been instructed to determine the right way to break up a $10,000 bonus between themselves and a fictitious supervisor. When a feminine supervisor was described as “ambitious,” males saved considerably greater than half of the cash for themselves. “Men are perceived to be more deserving and suitable leaders than women,” one of many examine’s authors told the Cut on the time. “Ambitious agency is also consistent with the male gender role. Therefore, men seeking power don’t dismantle or challenge the traditional gender hierarchy.”
Validation from an web recommendation columnist that the issue is Steve and never you doesn’t clear up issues, I understand. It does, although, enable us to confront the right drawback: You work with a person who’s uncomfortable with ladies at work. (Said one other approach: You’re not scary.) Trouble is, there’s no straightforward option to make males higher at working with ladies (lol/sob). Whatever you do, please don’t attempt to modulate your conduct round Steve; altering who you might be not often works very effectively, and it’s an unfair ask regardless. Confronting somebody who already thinks you’re “scary,” in the meantime, isn’t prone to go nice both. You’re going to really feel self-conscious round him for some time, however attempt your finest to be your regular, type, direct self—that is his drawback to take care of, not yours.
Let’s speak about Ben, although. Some coworkers are so close that they inform one another every thing, and if my closest colleague had failed to inform me that some dude had referred to as me scary, I might be gravely upset. But your use of the phrase “relatively” makes me assume perhaps you and Ben’s aren’t that shut, by which case he completely mustn’t have informed you. That’s not a message anybody would need delivered by anyone besides an especially shut pal! It’s too late to place that toothpaste again within the tube, however Ben is admittedly the one with the duty right here. If he didn’t put Steve in his place within the second, Ben ought to return and say one thing. He can begin by telling Steve there’s nothing scary about you, you’re truly nice to work with, and that he ought to attempt attending to know you higher.
For additional male-ally cookies, Ben must also gently counsel (or not gently!) that it’s a bit sexist to name a girl scary as a result of she says what she means. Again, it is true that there is not any straightforward option to make males higher at working with ladies. But there’s a exhausting approach: It requires the Bens of the world stepping up.
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