Highly Specialized Apology Templates to Keep in Your Notes App

Everybody makes mistakes—celebrities, corporations, relatives, neighbors, airlines, zoos, et cetera. Some mistakes cost us our jobs, our marriages, our teeth, or all the above. When a crisis strikes, you need an apology. Keep these apology templates handy in the Notes app on your phone so that, in a pinch, you can tailor them to fit your audience and misdeed.

For the manager who received multiple complaints about calling employees “bro.”

“I recently learned that calling my employees ‘bro’ is inappropriate. I thought that it would help you fill out those time sheets faster—I truly never meant to offend.

I was under the impression that we were one big, happy family. I now realize I was wrong. I’ve let you down and will take some time away from the office to understand why calling you ‘bro,’ ‘brodie,’ ‘twin,’ ‘brother from another mother,’ or any variation thereof is unacceptable.”

For the motorcyclist apologizing for poor music choices.

“Life is about growth. Only recently did I learn how loud and awful my motorcycle music is. All I wanted to do was bring joy to the neighborhoods I was riding through. But one young lady who asked to dismount my motorcycle, mid-ride, and walk home because she couldn’t take the music anymore changed my entire perspective.

All these years, I’ve exclusively listened to my motorcycle music. Now it’s time for me to listen to those who say that my music stinks. I’ve pawned my motorcycle to insure that this tragedy never happens again. I’ll also begin counselling with people who have good taste in music.”

For the restaurant owner caught vandalizing a competitor’s establishment.

“As you may know, I had a terrible lapse in judgment last night, when I went to the nearby pizza joint and spray-painted ‘Get better Parmesan shakers, you phonies!’ on its front window. I had consumed one too many cups of coffee that evening, and I didn’t know what to do with the extra energy.

I accept full responsibility for my actions. My behavior affected not only my reputation but also that of the supplier of the original Sal’s Parmesan shakers. I will spend the next few days getting rid of all my spray-paint cans and reflecting. I will also limit myself to one cup of coffee per day, and it will be consumed before 2 P.M. Stay safe.”

For the therapist who posted her patients’ names and problems on social media.

“I have made a grave mistake. I violated the sacred trust between a therapist and her patient. When I tweeted about my client Rudolph being teased by his family for wearing bowling shoes to a wedding, I thought that I was sending a ‘direct message.’ I’m new to Twitter and am still figuring out how everything works.

Nevertheless, I hope that Rudolph and all my other clients know that their problems are safe with me from this point on. I’ll be taking time away from Twitter and going back to Facebook, an app I am very familiar with.”

For the hotel apologizing for ending breakfast service early.

“To all the guests who’ve ever stayed at our hotel, let us take this time to apologize for our cruel and unusual breakfast hours. The seven-to-ten window for breakfast was a mistake, and we now understand why. We didn’t do enough to support our guests who had had a late night and desperately needed a bowl of cereal at 10:47 A.M. to help rid them of their hangovers.

We strive to provide maximum comfort, and nothing is comfortable about waking up at 7 A.M. for the most important meal of the day. We will revise our methods and strive to keep the omelette station open until 11 A.M.”

For the spouse apologizing to his partner for lying about the past.

“I’d like to take this time to apologize to my family, my friends, and, most important, my wife. She and I bonded over how we both had not watched any movie in the ‘Fast & Furious’ franchise. She had never seen it, and I told her that I had never seen it. Unfortunately, I was untruthful, which came to light after photos were posted online of me watching it on a plane. It’s time I come clean: I have seen every installment of that movie franchise. Once on a plane, many times on network cable, and even on opening night, at the movie theater.

I have lost the trust of the woman I care about most, and I will do everything I can to regain it. As ‘Fast & Furious’ has taught me, nothing is more important than family.”

For the politician apologizing for apologizing.

“After much reflection, my supporters need to hear that I am sorry for being sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you. And, to the community that I said disrespectful things about and apologized to, I take the apologies back. I meant every word I originally said—hopefully they sting all over again.

To my constituents, accept my guarantee that, going forward, I will never fail you by caring about other people’s feelings. Your feelings are the only feelings I need until Election Day.” ♦