Sure, I’m just an average cardinal from a country no one’s ever heard of, but I’ve been watching inspirational videos on YouTube and reading self-help books by other ambitious clergy, and here’s my plan:
I’ll be really nice to all the other cardinals in the conclave. I’ll ask if they’ve been working out, and say, “It looks like someone’s been praying for broader shoulders and sideburns.”
I’ll add fun accents to my cassock and sash—like a beret with a Hello Kitty pin instead of the traditional red hat—so the other cardinals will remember me. Maybe I’ll wear a “Don’t Kiss Me I’m Celibate” badge and a light coat of bronzer, to show that I’d be a healthy, outdoorsy Pope.
I’ll hum “I Hope I Get It,” from “Chorus Line,” under my breath in the cafeteria.
I’ll bake cookies shaped like a papal mitre for everybody and balance one on my head as if I’m kidding but not really.
I’ll encourage some of the other candidates to run for Archbishop of the Month instead.
I’ll squinch my eyes shut so tight when I’m praying that I faint. When I come to, and the other cardinals ask if I’m O.K., I’ll tell them, “Oh, you know, just another vision of the Virgin.”
I’ll get everyone from my home town to buy T-shirts with my airbrushed image and the phrase “#1 Draft Pick!”
While they’re asleep, I’ll use a Sharpie to scrawl “NOT ME” on the front-runners’ faces.
When I’m in the showers, I’ll let the other guys accidentally glimpse my tattoos of me helping people.
When I’m alone, I’ll give myself pep talks in the mirror by saying, “Hello, Mr. New Your Holiness”; “I’m rested, I’m ready, and I’m infallible”; and, “Just be yourself and leave thin mints on the other cardinals’ pillows.”
When everyone’s voting, I’ll lighten the mood by asking, “Who did you put for Best Supporting?”
For the talent portion of the competition, I’ll sing “Ave Maria” while juggling hymnals.
I’ll forge a letter of recommendation from the Dalai Lama.
Right before they announce the winner, I’ll jump out of my chair and start blessing everyone and squealing, “Thank you all so much! I never expected this! We are all God’s children!” ♦
