Other ways to cause stress in mice:
• Tell them they look tired.
• Indicate that there’s a cat behind them holding a report card.
• Ask if they’re worried about the election.
• Wonder aloud if their kids would be happier behind the walls of a less competitive school.
• Throw red paint on them for wearing fur.
• Tell them that, at their age, they have a better chance of escaping from a laboratory maze than getting married.
• Assure them that the winter weight gain looks good—“You know, like a guinea pig.”
• Ask if they identify as a rodent or as vermin.
• Hint that the cheese they’re nibbling is actually a urinal cake.
• Tell them you saw their spouse with another mouse and a hundred and thirty-eight baby mice.
• Gush that you loved the video where they dragged a slice of pizza through the subway.
• Jump on a chair and scream “Eek!” and then claim, “I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.”
• Remark that, although Mickey Mouse is certainly having a great career, rummaging through the used Kleenex in a wastepaper basket is just as impressive.
• Assure them that the mousetrap under the kitchen sink is really an award-winning sculpture of a mousetrap: “It’s a comment on mousetraps.” Then, once they’re caught in it and screaming, say, “Now it’s a performance piece.”
• Ask, “Are those your real whiskers?,” and then insist, “No, they look great.”
• Read aloud “The Night Before Christmas,” and, when you get to the phrase “Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse,” take a pause and murmur, “Covid.”
• Fix them up with a gerbil, and mutter, under your breath, “Like you’ve got options?”
• Tell them the plastic tray with the glue is a lap pool.
• Remark, “You look good gray. I admire you.” Then tell their best friend, “I guess somebody wants to die alone in the attic.”
• Visit their burrow and comment, “So you’re still doing dryer lint and Triscuit crumbs? Bravo.” ♦
