Basketball season is upon us, after an offseason that featured multiple trade requests across the league. The traditional way of requesting to be traded in the N.B.A. is the player or his representation talks with his team’s management. But that’s so 2022. It’s time to get creative, to have your trade request go viral. Treat it like a prom-posal. Show your team you mean business. Here are some trade-request ideas players can use to get themselves into a new team’s uniform, stat.
Retire, Then Unretire
Nobody wants to call it quits. But if you’d like to show your team that you’ll never play for them ever again, hang up the jersey. Retire from the game you love. Your contract will be void. Then sit out a year and reveal—psych!—you changed your mind. When you retired at twenty-two years old, you just needed a little break from the game. Come back at twenty-three after a nice rest and sign with the team you originally wanted to be traded to. It’s a bold move that could possibly lose you millions of dollars, but think of all the time you’ll have to play video games!
Camp Out in Front of Another Team’s Arena
Camping out will show how committed you are to changing your situation. Pretend this is an iPhone release. Get a tent and some bottled water, and set up shop right in front of that desired team’s HQ. You’re an N.B.A. player, which means you’re tall and famous enough to attract attention. You won’t be alone because the media and fans will come hang out with you. You might even catch your desired team’s manager on his way into the building and hand him your résumé.
Tattoo Your Trade Request
Ink your trade request right on your body. Everyone will look at you and think, He must really hate the team he’s on; also, I wonder who the tattoo artist was—they did a great job! Get it on your forearm or face or both—it’ll be inescapable and things will get very awkward for your current team members whenever they see you. When they ask, “How are you?,” you can just point to your tattoo. Once you’ve been traded, get the tattoo removed, and make space for when you’re ready to request another trade.
Pay Taylor Swift to Post Your Trade Request
If you want attention for your cause, just ask Taylor Swift for help. The Swifties will rally behind whatever she posts. Taylor posting your trade request to her Instagram story for twenty-four hours will change the next few years of your life. And if she tags the team’s president, he won’t be able to handle the millions of Swifties spamming his social-media accounts. He won’t want to be on the Swifties’ bad side for too long. That social shame would be too much to overcome.
Get a Signature Shoe Made
Players with their own sneakers release special editions for a variety of different reasons. For instance, Michael Jordan sells the “Flu Game” version of his shoes because he wore them while famously playing through illness during the N.B.A. finals. Make a special colorway of your signature shoe called the “Trade Request” edition or the “Get Me Out of Town” edition. The colors? Obviously they have to be the colors of the team you want to play for. Shoot a cool commercial starring Spike Lee so that when you finally get traded people can say, “It’s gotta be the shoes!”
Throw a Party and Only Invite Players from a Different Team
Everybody loves a good party. What they don’t love is not being invited. Throw a party and only invite the players on the team you want to play for. Do not invite your current teammates. The day after the party, post pictures of it all over social media. Your teammates will be offended when they see all the fun they missed—like the champagne fountain, the acrobatic jugglers, and the intense games of Jenga. They’ll be so offended that they never pass you the ball again, thus pushing management to make sure you’re off the team ASAP.
Get a Note from Home
The power of a note from your parent or guardian is underrated. Just because you’re not a child anymore doesn’t mean your parental figure’s authority matters any less. Have your mom write a quick note to the team president saying, “My son is no longer allowed to play for your team because we have concerns.” Boom—problem solved. What type of monster of a team president wouldn’t listen to his player’s mom’s concerns?
Get a Note from Your Doctor
If that heartless team president won’t heed the note from home, you must up the ante with a doctor’s note. Have your doctor explain why you medically can’t play for the team anymore and must be traded to a new team expeditiously. It’s a dire situation that needs to be addressed. Your team president is obligated to listen to science. Get that slip from your physician and you’ll quickly be sent to a new team to start the healing process. ♦
