Me: Didn’t see my buddies for seven months due to the lockdown.
Tech Billionaire: Didn’t see my buddies for seven months as a result of I don’t have any buddies.
Me: Felt unhealthy after I broke the foundations and acquired inside six toes of my buddies.
Tech Billionaire: Felt unhealthy when one other tech C.E.O. acquired inside two billion {dollars} of my internet value.
Me: Haven’t gone for a haircut as a result of the salons have been closed.
Tech Billionaire: Haven’t gone for a haircut as a result of I don’t have very a lot hair.
Me: Lockdown in my studio house.
Tech Billionaire: Locked Trump out of my service, after he violated our insurance policies for the nine-millionth time.
Me: Let my sink leak as a result of I didn’t know find out how to repair it.
Tech Billionaire: Let my person information leak as a result of I used to be too busy waxing my mustache to repair it.
Me: Felt wealthy as a result of I acquired a six-hundred-dollar stimulus examine.
Tech Billionaire: Felt wealthy as a result of I’ve made billions because the begin of the pandemic. Also felt cheated as a result of I didn’t obtain a six-hundred-dollar stimulus examine, so e-mailed my pal on the Treasury and he hooked me up.
Me: Waited eight hours to get vaccinated.
Tech Billionaire: Waited eight hours to delete my tweets about AstraZeneca, as a result of apparently I’m not the one who decides which vaccines get accredited? Seems unfair.
Me: Went on a socially distanced date.
Tech Billionaire: Went on an emotionally distanced date. Billionaires are, like, actually guarded.
Me: Voted by mail in an important Presidential election of my lifetime.
Tech Billionaire: Attempted to affect social-media algorithms in an important Presidential election of my customers’ lifetimes.
Me: After months of simply scrolling on my cellphone, determined to learn a ebook.
Tech Billionaire: After months of insuring that individuals did nothing however scroll on their telephones, determined to jot down a ebook about myself.
Me: Spent my free time in quarantine determining find out how to pronounce “X Æ A-12.”
Tech Billionaire: Gave my new child son a lovely title too distinctive to be pronounced by plebeians.
Me: Resigned myself to the truth that my time on earth is restricted, so I’d as effectively make the Bon Appétit focaccia once more.
Tech Billionaire: Resigned myself to the truth that my time on earth is restricted—as a result of I’m gonna construct a colony in freaking area, bitch! See you on Mars! (Probably solely if you’re additionally a billionaire, although.)
Me: Started bathing in hand sanitizer.
Tech Billionaire: Started bathing in cash.
Me: Wondered how COVID-19 may unfold so quick.
Tech Billionaire: Wondered how COVID-19 may unfold sooner than our Android downloads.
Me: Spent far more cash than I made—however Postmates is so tempting!
Tech Billionaire: Made far more cash than I may ever spend, ever, in actually a whole lot of 1000’s of lifetimes. Also, purchased Postmates.
Me: Made a five-hundred-dollar donation to COVID aid.
Tech Billionaire: Made a several-billion-dollar donation to COVID aid, which continues to be one way or the other a shamefully small proportion of my internet value, however I would like to avoid wasting of that cash in case Jupiter sometime turns into inhabitable.
Me: Wondered if all my buddies hated me for tweeting an excessive amount of.
Tech Billionaire: Wondered if everybody hated me for actually destroying the financial system, then determined that in the event that they did it’s simply because they’re stressed. Everything’s nice.
Me: Could have realized to cook dinner however as a substitute simply lived off canned beans.
Tech Billionaire: Could have fed everybody on the earth if I wished to, however didn’t. Wait—there are individuals who eat beans out of a can? Ew. Someone ought to assist them! Not me. I’m busy. But can’t we tax the center class extra, or one thing?
Me: Felt ugly.
Tech Billionaire: Was ugly.
