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Still, we have decided to make some changes around here.
Stop lying to our viewers? No! As those Dominion court filings revealed, that is our business model, and we happily paid a fee to continue doing just that! But we will be instituting a few reforms at this news-ish network.
1. More Credulous Anchors
We cannot afford to have hosts who know that they are deceiving viewers. So we will take steps to replace them with anchors who genuinely believe the things they are saying! This will prevent future texts or emails that could embarrass us later, plus it will add conviction to line deliveries! It should lead to less confusion all around!
To this end, we will be instituting a test for potential anchors where we ask them to read a series of increasingly outrageous statements. If applicants wince or appear to experience cognitive dissonance, we will send them packing. It’s no longer good enough to lie to viewers; you need to not know you’re doing it!
For anchors who wish to retain their positions, we will institute a retraining program. Those who wish to participate will be sent to Room 101, a sealed, brightly lit space with no windows or doors where they will be dealt with by the Ministry of Truth until they truly see all the ballots we claim to see instead of merely wishing to see them. We can’t wait for them to agree that there are five!
2. No More Emails or Texts!
One of the things we learned from Dominion’s lawsuit is that our internal communications can be used against us! That’s no good. Now, in order to run a news network, we know employees sometimes need to communicate with other people who work there, but there’s no reason we need to leave an electronic record.
From now on, all internal Fox communications will be written onto a tiny slip of paper and carried back and forth by a flock of specially trained pigeons, which we will shoot if they start to develop a conscience about the messages! After each message is delivered, it will be eaten or burned — the recipient can choose! Any pigeons that start to express concerns will be sent to the Ministry for reeducation along with the anchors.
Henceforth, before each statement our anchors make, we will have them say the word “not” a randomly generated number of times! This will throw sand into the eyes of anyone trying to study whether we are making a given claim. It will also not not give QAnon conspiracists one more fun thing to think about and extract patterns from every day!
Critically, we need to make more money! That $787 million is not chicken feed (have you ever tried feeding a dollar bill to a chicken?), but it isn’t nothing, either. The last thing we can afford to do now is alienate our viewers! So we have to figure out what it is our viewers like to hear and tell them more of whatever that is!
By implementing these simple policies, we can ensure that Fox continues successfully impersonating a news network for decades to come — or until the end of the republic, whichever comes first!
Thank you for your cooperation! Please eat this message.
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