As the country barrels toward default, the Treasury is apparently scrambling to find extra cash. Every little bit helps! Since there are no bad ideas in brainstorming, here are some suggestions the government should feel free to implement!
- Unsubscribe from any services the government has forgotten about or clubs with dues we can’t afford. Are we still in the League of Nations? If so, let’s get out! Unclear what this “MAX” service is (it says it’s the place for HBO, but that seems like it would just be HBO)? Let’s ditch that subscription for sure!
- Try getting fighter jets secondhand.
- Join a Buy Nothing group and see whether we can decorate the various Cabinet departments with free found furnishings! No more of these $30,000 office suites (or dining sets)! Does the National Gallery need new art? There is a lot of good art on the sidewalk.
- Get a second, gig job that pays quick cash now. For instance, the presidential motorcade can double as an UberPool for other people also going in the same general direction as the president.
- Poshmark! The 2000s are in! Do we have anything left over from the George W. Bush administration that would be a hit with the teens? Perhaps evidence of weapons of mass destruction? No? Hmm.
- See whether the CDC and the FDA can use their skills to make controlled substances, like in “Breaking Bad”?
- Rent the Runway: If people would like to use our aircraft carriers to land on, I think we should let them!
- Everyone in the Labor Department can get a second job in retail.
- Instead of paying defense contractors in dollars, offer to pay them in something worth a lot more: experiences! Take Lockheed Martin skydiving, or spend time with its family!
- See whether China will accept payment in the form of Bed Bath & Beyond gift cards.
- Hire more women! Since U.S. women earn on average 82 percent of what men are paid, this could be a huge cost savings!
- Justices can wear robes inside out instead of washing them.
- Film another movie on Mount Rushmore, for real this time!
- Rent out venues that the government is not using. No one is occupying the Jefferson Memorial, and real estate prices in D.C. are wild!
- The Environmental Protection Agency should try leaning more heavily on the “Protection” in its name. (“Nice marshland you got there. Shame if something were to happen to it.”) Maybe we can raise a lot of money quickly, even if it is all unmarked bills in manila envelopes.
- Send desperate emails to people who have donated to the government in the past, with subject lines like “Jillian, please” and “Now, Michael!”
- Replace the Education Department with ChatGPT! First, the students. Next, the whole department. We all know this is only a matter of time.
- The Energy Department can go solar.
- Sell more of House Speaker Kevin McCarthy’s ChapStick? There’s apparently a six-figure market for his used cherry lip balm!
- Offer to send the trained military dolphins to fight against the orcas … for a price.
- Sell off some of the secret technologies from aliens/Indiana Jones finds that we’ve been keeping from the American public.
- Tours of the moon-landing soundstage!
- Demand Britain return warships it borrowed during the “Lend-Lease” program.
- Start a GoFundMe? Story not very sympathetic, though — would need some massaging.
