Dealing with 6 pee diapers = 1 regular poop diaper
3 regular poop diapers = 1 at-home blowout
3 at-home blowouts = 1 on-the-go blowout
1 blowout that gets on your clothes = 3 pukes that get on your clothes
1 puke that somehow gets in your mouth = 6 hours of holding a sleeping baby on an airplane in a way that screws up your neck for 2 days
1 hour of holding a crying baby on an airplane = 5 FaceTimes with your partner’s family you get to skip
Assembling 1 toy = Wrapping 8 presents
Booking 1 doctor’s appointment = Cooking 4 dinners
1 use of the disgusting snot-sucker thing = 1 Googling of symptoms + 1 telehealth appointment with the pediatrician + 1 trip to CVS to buy VapoRub + 1 trip back to CVS to buy baby VapoRub, which is apparently different
1 bedtime routine = 1 post-6 A.M. wake-up
2 wake-ups within 2 hours of you finally falling asleep = 1 wake-up 1 hour before you were planning to wake up
1 public tantrum when you’re out by yourself = 3 at-home tantrums
10 minutes of zoning out on your phone even though you could be unloading 1 dishwasher or folding 75 tiny pieces of baby laundry = Changing 1 peed-through onesie, 1 peed-through sleep sack, and 1 probably peed-through (but maybe just sweaty?—let’s not risk it, though) crib sheet at 2 A.M.
1 golf game = Zero chance of that happening—in fact, just for asking, you now have to fold 75 tiny pieces of baby laundry
1 night of you going out with your friends ≠ 1 night of me going out with my friends
1 pregnancy + 1 childbirth = 18 to 50 years of being able to say “not it” to any of the many parenting things that suck ♦
