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Hey bridesmaid beyotches!
Totally psyched to celebrate Rach and her wedding. Rach is really special to me (as I’m sure she is to all of you!) so I wanted to do something super unique for her bachelorette weekend. I loved everyone’s theme ideas (“Dazed and Engaged” is freakin’ funny, Em!) but I wanted to try to come up with a theme that isn’t plastered all over Pinterest for our Rach. So no more suggesting “Last Rodeo” or “Last Bash in Nash” or “Vegas before Vows,” and, Mel, absolutely no “Same Penis Forever”—what is this, 2010? KK, love y’all! Let me know what you think of these themes.
Never “Alone” Again
Derek and I are absolutely obsessed with the show “Alone” on the History Channel, and I know Rach and her boo love it, too. I was thinking we could all fly to Vancouver, do a fun night of drinks in the city, and then the next day we could each get individually choppered out to our drop site in northern Vancouver Island. Then we’ll see how long we can last in the wilderness! Hunting (like single Rach did for a good man), building shelter (the way Rach and her guy will build a life together), and just surviving (all my married beyotches know what’s up). The thing I love about this option is that you won’t come out of it bloated from drinking all weekend. In fact, we’ll all probably drop a lot of weight—perfect for fitting into those bridesmaid dresses! If we decide to go this route, please let me know ASAP what supplies you’ll be bringing along. Everyone gets only ten items from the list I’m attaching to this e-mail. I won’t tell you what to pick, but if you don’t bring a flint, you’re an idiot.
Sing Before the Ring
Grab your passports, babes, we’re going to Seoul! As everyone knows, Rach and her honey first first fell in love over his Tinder bio that referenced his love of “The Masked Singer.” So we’re taking our girl to where it all began, the original masked singer, “King of Mask Singer,” or “미스터리 음악쇼 복면가왕.” We’ll see some sights, have authentic KBBQ (Kris, I know you’re veg—can you supply meals for yourself?), and then we’ll hit the stage! My college roommate’s uncle works for the host Kim Sung-joo, and he can hook us up with the opportunity to perform on the actual “King of Mask Singer” stage. We’ll need to send our measurements in, like, tomorrow so that Hwang Jae-geun, the mask designer, can get to work on our custom masks. And Tiff, I know you’re sensitive about your head size, but this is not the time to lie about your cranial diameter.
(Manifest) Destiny
Rach, forever an East Coast girlie, is making the move out West for her lover! So load up the RAV4s, we’re going on a road trip—following the Oregon Trail. We couldn’t get real wagons (weirdly impossible to rent and apparently not “street-legal”), but we can stockpile the food that they actually ate on the trail. We’re talking hardtack, dried fruit, cured meats—that’s right, charcuterie every night! Also we’ll bring along a milking cow for fresh dairy. Does anyone have a car that can fit a milking cow? Thanks!
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