Hi there, and thank you for choosing to fly with our airline! We see that you’ve selected a Basic fare for this trip, and just wanted to give you a heads-up that this ticketing category comes with some restrictions.
Basic fares are nonrefundable and nontransferable. It’s fine if you want to hang on to this fare! Note that if you do end up having to cancel, you’ll have to call our customer-service line, which automatically transfers you to an insult comic, who mocks you for losing all the money you’d saved. You can’t hang up until he’s finished roasting you, because there’s a brief customer survey afterward. (Though Basic fares aren’t actually eligible to take the survey.)
Are you sure you wouldn’t like to upgrade to our Economy fare? For just forty-nine dollars more, you could enjoy earlier boarding, and being looked in the eye when you try to get a gate agent’s attention.
Day-of standby is also not permitted with Basic fares, so don’t try anything funny. Gate agents have been warned about your kind, and have been given full authority to kick you off of the flight you’re already booked on if you try to get on a different one. Then you’re not flying at all—how about that?
We understand that you’d like to remain in the Basic-fare category. That’s fine. Let’s move on to check-in details. Unfortunately, Basic fares are not eligible for priority check-in or baggage handling. When gate agents touch your baggage, they instinctively recoil, because they can tell that it has Basic cooties. They have claw grabbers to facilitate loading and unloading, but if your luggage is too heavy it’s simply not going on the plane. Please do not pack anything.
Lounge access: don’t insult us!
We get it. You value the essential parts of flying, not the bells and whistles. But why not upgrade to Premium Economy? If something should happen to the flight, midair, all crew are directed to use their bodies to shield Premium Economy and above from peril. Currently, your fare category prohibits you from being entitled to this emergency measure. You’re sure that you don’t want to spend just a hundred and nineteen dollars more for the possibility of having someone put their life on the line for yours?
O.K., you seem hell-bent on hanging on to this low fare. We look forward to having you fly with us! To make up for the profit losses we endure by allowing you to pay such a paltry amount, all we ask is that you do a little something for us.
Any chance you know how to fly a plane? ♦
