Lima beans. Lima beans don’t even make sense. No one has ever actually eaten a lima bean. That’s a true story.
You know who else is gay? Clint Eastwood. No one knows. Clint Eastwood. But it’s like a manly gay, if you know what I mean. I know this because I kissed him once. On the cheek. By mistake. It was lovely, though. We went camping.
I’ve seen the Red Sea part twice in one day. I was on a nude beach with Maury Povich, who’s Jewish, by the way. In fact, there are a lot of Jews in Israel. We stood there naked, neither one of us gay, and we watched the Red Sea part. Later, I would realize that I was actually in Brighton Beach, alone, and not in Israel. Although I was nude, except for a large saffron-colored hat.
You look at someone like Myrna Loy. Very attractive. And you think, Dumb, right? No. Turns out she was very bright—780 on the verbal SATs. And marvellous in the “Thin Man” films.
I met Ben Affleck. You know how tall he is? He’s four feet two inches. Honest to God. He might be gay. Although short people aren’t usually gay. His wife is very beautiful. Also smart. Which is surprising. They’re both Jewish. Obsessed with the High Holidays. Simchat Torah this, Simchat Torah that. Wouldn’t shut up about Simchat Torah.
Show me a smart, attractive Jewish woman who isn’t gay and I’ll show you a photo of myself nude on a camping trip with Telly Savalas. Which I have in my wallet. He was a dwarf.
The thing with Passover. Dumb. Blood all over the house. Oh, don’t kill my son. No one’s going to kill anyone. I know Pharaoh. I know him. He’s a very nice guy. Six handicap. Can’t say the word “pants” without laughing. Antisemitic but not in a bad way. He was friends with David O. Selznick. That’s how I met Cary Grant. Cary is the first man I ever made love to.
I’m on a boat with a group of Israeli homosexuals. Not one of them is more than three feet tall. We’re in the Red Sea. Boom. Just like that, it parts. We’re sitting on sand. Water on either side of us. I say to one of the Jewish homosexuals, “Did the Red Sea just part?” He says, “Happens all the time.” He then asked me to put sunblock on his back. Which I did. He was a very beautiful man named Ze’ev. We still keep in touch.
You see all this bullshit about the “Barbie” movie. First of all, it’s not that good. I’ve seen it twice. Barbie’s not real, so that’s just stupid. What do you expect? The person who directed it was Greta Garbo. Or something. Attractive? Yes. Bright? No. And Ken? If Ken isn’t gay . . . I mean, I had a Ken doll. Which I hid. Ken has no genitalia! Believe me, I checked. You know who else has no genitalia? Who’s the one who buys all the things? Deadface. Wait. PoolMan. No. Ryan Reynolds. No genitals. Sad, really. But also freeing.
If there is a remake of “The Sound of Music,” I will play Captain von Trapp, and Maria will be played by Timothée Chalamet, who is so small as to be almost invisible. Also, no Jew, he. We would each do our own singing. I sing. I would also play the nun who sings “Climb Every Mountain.” I would, of course, be disguised, wearing the classic nun’s uniform of coif, wimple, and veil, which I could bring to set, as I own one. I would also want the von Trapp children to be played by mice. We would subtitle their squeaks. Also, since Maria will be played by a man, “she” won’t be dumb. She will be a he, Timothée, and he will grow his hair long, and we will almost kiss after “Edelweiss.”
If I were gay, I would want to be tiny, like Matt Damon. Who recently converted to Judaism. ♦
