Them’s Impeachin’ Words

Lately, some of us on the right have suggested that several of Donald Trump’s political rivals and criminal prosecutors should be impeached. We invoked this constitutional tool in the interest of democracy, and to do so was a proud but solemn decision. Various people have got the idea that these moves are political theatre, and that the G.O.P. is throwing potential impeachments around recklessly. To those critics, we say: them’s impeachin’ words.

When we proposed an impeachment inquiry into Joe Biden, Trump’s main political opponent, people said we were just trying to placate Trump by wantonly invoking the word “impeachment.” Well, mister, that kind of sass is a one-way ticket to Impeachmentville, population: you.

Please, make us impeach you. Do it. Seriously—we want to.

We also called for the impeachment of a state Supreme Court justice who spoke out against gerrymandering, and we argued that the district attorney who charged Trump with electoral fraud in the first place should be removed from office. Do you think attempting to stop a criminal trial we don’t like is an irresponsible use of impeachment? ’Cause if you do, we’ve got an impeachment sandwich with your name on it.

But save room for dessert. We’ll be serving our world-famous impeach cobbler.

Let me ask you this: If Republican politicians are as impeachment-crazy as you say we are, then why did one of our own, Governor Brian Kemp, defend the D.A.’s record and reject calls for more impeachments? Beats us. But one thing’s for sure: Brian Kemp is so getting impeached now.

I swear. You people are reachin’ for an impeachin’.

You’re probably wondering if any of this is legal. We’ll leave that up to the legal experts. Not ours, though. Last night we impeached all our lawyers. What can we say? We were feeling “in the zone” after all the other impeachment talk, so we figured, why not go for broke? Our loved ones suggested that maybe we’d “had enough” impeachments for one congressional session, but how can we trust them now that they’ve also been impeached?

We may never know if the Founding Fathers added impeachment to the Constitution just so we could pacify the conspiracy-minded fringes of our base. But, if we could go back in time and ask them, we’d probably impeach the Founding Fathers who argued against the Second Amendment. Then we’d go back in time even further and impeach all the people who deserved to be impeached but died before impeachment was a thing. Like Shakespeare (for letting boys dress up as girls), and dinosaurs (for disproving creationism), and Dracula.

So, the next time you doubt our patriotism or respect for the law, keep it to yourself or you’ll find yourself on the business end of an impeachment. Sorry you don’t like our methods, but sometimes a drastic act like impeachment is the only way to expose the truth. Unless we disagree with the outcome, in which case those impeachers will be impeached. ♦