Knotted hemp bracelet on the Statue of Liberty’s wrist.
Grab-’n’-go mountain of AR-15s.
Russell Brand’s visa.
A.I. that’s rude or a threat to the continuation of the human race.
Any official distinction between North and South Dakota.
Tesla Autopilot’s seven-beer setting.
Elon Musk’s sink from his 2022 “let this sink in” joke.
Elon Musk’s life-size statue of Dilbert impishly giving the finger to the “deep state.”
The right to a fair and impartial trial for any ex who slept with their aerial-yoga guru.
Consulates representing nations that haven’t exactly wowed us lately.
Half-eaten container of pad Thai that’s been sitting in the back of the National Refrigerator for two weeks.
One and a half million tons of sulfur-dioxide pollution, redirected to Canada with hand-sweeping gestures.
Plain-looking bald eagle bringing down the majesty of the others.
The thousands of warehoused “Make America Great Again” hospital respirators.
That one person without a podcast. Begone!
Any novel that requires a detailed map at the beginning.
A very large plastic bucket full of spare cryptocurrency.
A woozy Mike Lindell, deposited a few feet across the Mexican border, hugging a MyPillow.
All N.F.T.s featuring Trump sporting an American-flag cape.
Any N.F.T., period.
All those old arrowheads and Civil War bullet casings.
Some syllables from “Mississippi”—it could stand to lose a few.
Costumes for Bill Clinton’s Presidential Library mascot, Blowy the Flirtatious Saxophone.
The deep-fake sex tape of Tucker Carlson making sloppy, messy love to his own ego.
Hoover Dam?
Two or three dumpsters’ worth of Representative George Santos’s fake I.D.s and “grifter wigs.”
The Franklin Mint’s January 6th commemorative coin-and-Hummel set.
All the stray Frisbees in the Grand Canyon.
The seldom-visited Smithsonian Museum of Vintage Absolut Vodka Ads.
Old train set (the transcontinental railroad).
Whoever designs footwear for Ron DeSantis.
The architect who came up with the open-seating office plan.
Jimmy Buffett’s entire music catalogue (blame it on a “terrible mixup”).
Every golden goblet from the “Love Is Blind” universe of shows.
Society’s collective memory of “balloon boy.”
Mustachioed high-end-mocktail mixologists.
People who graffiti trees.
Assholes who say “cool beans.”
Countless unused checks and balances.
Limp Bizkit’s giant prop toilet from Ozzfest ’99, which has been racking up a fortune in storage fees.
The professional title “Internet sleuth.”
Waves of grain that are starting to look more beige than amber.
Massive granite Oakley sunglasses that Biden commissioned to “snazz up” the Lincoln Memorial.
The Chevy down by the levee because the levee is still dry.
Any rendition of the national anthem that clocks in at more than forty-five seconds.
SCOTUS has nine judges, but “The Masked Singer” seems to get by just fine with four.
Do we really need two shining seas?
That odd-shaped rubber gasket that we found under the rug and couldn’t quite part with because, yeah, it’s probably garbage, but it also might be the only thing holding this big, dumb country together. ♦
