Located on the crossroads of Texas, Mexico, and I Will Be First to Mars Boulevard, town of Starbase is a futuristic metropolis with a wealthy historical past, relationship all the way in which again to the start of this paragraph. Idyllically located alongside a pristine stretch of Texas shoreline, this bucolic locale—beforehand referred to as Boca Chica—ought to most likely nonetheless be referred to as Boca Chica, as a result of tweeting that you just’ve established a brand new metropolis isn’t precisely legally binding.
Friday
1) 2 P.M. Welcome to Starbase
As you strategy town limits, the “Welcome to Starbase” signal units the tone on your keep and obscures the “Welcome to Boca Chica” signal behind it. A digital scrolling board of Elon Musk’s most cryptic tweets alongside random Dogecoin memes, this signal is a mild reminder of town’s patron-in-chief, and a robust suggestion that you must most likely simply flip round and go house.
2) 7 P.M. Neural noshes
Once the visible chaos of the welcome signal subsides, head over to the Id and I, town’s premier eating vacation spot/neuro-research facility—one other of Musk’s pet tasks. Come early to snag a window seat, and also you’ll be rewarded with each diner’s dream: expansive Gulf views, mouthwatering crab dip ($8.99), and painless Neuralink™ implantation ($10 million, with necessary legal responsibility waiver). After you eat, wander out to the terrace, the place, on a cloudless evening, you may benefit from the reflection of hundreds of stars throughout nonetheless waters, until you’re among the many twenty-five per cent of patrons randomly chosen to obtain the Brighteyes™ neural implant, in which case you will notice nothing—however someway the other way up?
3) 10 P.M. Burnt mattress
Post-op fatigue will quickly set in, so shortly make your option to the charming Exploded Starship Hotel, which is strictly what the identify says it’s, so you actually shouldn’t be stunned by the scent. This ten-“room” boutique institution is simple to overlook as a result of it resembles a pile of rubble, however as soon as inside, it’s clear that “pile of rubble” is a beneficiant description. Single “rooms” carved out of salvaged Starship particles run $350 an evening, whereas $500 will get you an improve to the coveted “honeymoon suite,” which boasts a mattress. If you discover the burnt odor too assaulting, contemplate a keep at 15439 Starbase Shores Highway, which is the mailing tackle of a Marmot sleeping bag laid out on the tarmac ($200 an evening, plus free Continental breakfast).
Saturday
4) 10 A.M. Residential resistance
If you survive the evening with out incurring vital again harm, contemplate your self fortunate, and spend the morning having fun with a stroll by Old Town Starbase. Step again in time with a pleasant go to to the neighborhood’s residents, whom Musk himself dubbed “those fuckers who still won’t vacate their homes.” Smile on the sobbing individuals stubbornly resisting progress by protesting the infiltration of their as soon as pleased city by an eccentric billionaire who’s hell-bent on destroying their hard-earned tranquility. Smile wider, dammit. It makes them really feel higher in regards to the inevitable bulldozing to come back. And if you happen to occur to catch Musk’s legal professionals bribing residents to go away—be careful for flying glass! No, actually. This metropolis has exploding spaceships, there’s glass in every single place. (Note: neighborhood stroll requires legal responsibility waiver.)
5) 4 P.M. Shuttle launch
You’re nonetheless right here? Huh. Well, then, you must most likely pack a snack and make a beeline to the primary attraction of town of Starbase—the SpaceX launch web site. After you’ve signed your third legal responsibility waiver in twenty-four hours and lamented that that is the way you selected to spend your valuable trip days, pull up a garden chair and slip in your protecting gear. Shuttle launchings should not but sanctioned for secure viewing, and, as we warned, there will be glass. Listen because the Gulf waters gently lap on the land behind you and savor a peaceable second in the Texas warmth. Then seize your binoculars and watch in awe as an inspiring rocket shoots into the sky and heads for house, bursting into flames both on takeoff or touchdown. It doesn’t matter. It’s gone now.
Sunday
6) 11 A.M. Closing time
No journey to Starbase is full with no cease on the native reward store. Located on the fringe of city, this tiny outpost isn’t a lot a retailer as it’s a watering gap for Musk’s beleaguered P.R. workforce, in search of a refuge the place they’ll bemoan their boss’s weird public antics, like attempting to create a metropolis with a tweet. Pull up a stool and stare on the N.F.T. beer bottle that the Internet satisfied you’d be a good suggestion, then be part of the refrain of voices crying, “What am I doing here?” On your manner out, decide up a Starship keychain, that includes various names equivalent to, “X Æ A-12,” “Elon,” and “Manufacturing Engineer 2.” And don’t overlook your “I Survived Starbase” sweatshirt, which you aren’t legally allowed to put on till you permit town limits. We’re certain you’ll come again quickly!
