Welcome to the United States of America. As part of our continuing efforts to insure public safety, protect national security, and suppress the free flow of ideas, which are now pretty much illegal (even though ICE deleted its April 10, 2025, social-media infographic explicitly stating so), we at U.S. Customs and Border Protection kindly ask that you fill out the following survey upon reëntry into the Fatherland. (We’re assuming you live here, otherwise why on earth would you be visiting the U.S. right now?)
Are you a U.S. citizen?
A. Yes.
B. Good, because there’s no other option.
What was the purpose of your trip?
A. Business.
B. Pleasure.
C. I am one of those insufferable people who always say “Both.”
D. I binge-watched all six seasons of “The Handmaid’s Tale” and wanted to get a vibe check before officially seeking asylum.
What is the purpose of your return?
A. I live here.
B. I’m asking myself this question, too.
C. I have a toddler at home, and my partner will leave me if I extend my trip another day.
D. All of the above.
While abroad, did you participate in any activities that might be considered seditious, such as:
A. A bike ride in a dynamic city with clean air and a functioning infrastructure.
B. A meal at a restaurant where the server has health care.
C. A concert or other large public gathering, without the palpable fear of getting shot.
D. All of the above.
Has your skin cleared up?
A. Yes.
B. How can you tell?
C. Is it because of the water?
D. Or is it because not living in a proto-fascist techno-oligarchy does wonders for one’s complexion?
Have you brought back any of the following now banned substances?
A. Toothpaste containing fluoride.
B. The measles vaccine.
C. Any other scientific development from the past seventy years.
D. Books, not limited to but including Michelle Obama’s memoir, “Becoming.”
Did you really post that photograph of you running with the bulls in Pamplona on Instagram, even though you didn’t technically run with them, since you took off way before the gate was opened?
A. Yes.
B. How’d you know?
C. Oh, I forgot, you don’t need a search warrant to go through my phone.
D. I would do it again!
Have you ever made fun of politicians?
A. Is that a real question?
B. Is making fun of politicians illegal now?
C. If I say yes, will being detained at the border help my career or just make me late for my spot at the Comedy Cellar?
D. Do dick jokes count?
Lastly, we at U.S. Customs and Border Protection value your feedback (until we don’t, and then we will arbitrarily disappear you to a prison in El Salvador). If you have any suggestions for how we can improve—aside from not violating the First, Fourth, Fifth, Sixth, and Seventh Amendments, and pretty much the rest of the Constitution—please keep them to yourself. ♦
