Executive Chef
$17.50/hour
As the executive chef, you will be called upon to feed the President and make sure that he has a good time.
Responsibilities:
● Bring every meal to the President on a big spinning plate atop a stick like you’re a magician.
● Taste-test each bite of food for poison and also to make sure it’s not too hot.
● Pick which country the United States should go to war with.
● Knowledge of ice-cream sundaes is a plus!
Volunteer Gardener
Unpaid, for college credit only
The volunteer gardener must have thick skin (as protection against thorny flowers, et cetera).
Responsibilities:
● Trim shrubs to look like “Looney Tunes” characters.
● Kill all the bees (they’ve unionized).
● Dress up shrubs in seasonally appropriate outfits—e.g., chunky sweaters for fall.
● First point of contact for Vladimir Putin.
Social-Media Manager
$2.13/hour, plus tips
As social-media manager, you must insure that the public sees only the best side of the President, which is every side. (Hot women only.)
Responsibilities:
● Post to various social-media platforms including X, Truth Social, and StateDepartment.gov.
● Teach the President to read and write, plus woke lingo like “ACAB” and “viral feta TikTok pasta.”
● Make the President People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive every day.
● Read all the laws, and delete the ones that help people.
Driver
$40,000-40,030/year, depending on experience
The President’s driver should be able to go vroom-vroom fast without getting scared, and must be at least sixteen years old with a valid driver’s license.
Responsibilities:
● Say “mm-hmm,” “yes,” and “uh-huh” as the President tells you about his day.
● Drive around the block a few times to help the President fall asleep.
● Don’t get distracted by the bright interior lights that your mom told you were dangerous to have on while driving.
● Teach the President what happens if you set off a nuclear bomb, and how to impress people by riding a bike without using his hands.
BFF Vice-President
You can’t put a price on friendship.
The BFF vice-president is NOT the main Vice-President, O.K.?!
Responsibilities:
● Be less hot than the President.
● Play “This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed home” with the President’s toes.
● Periodically pretend to fall asleep and allow the President to draw a veiny penis that is jizzing into your mouth on your face with permanent marker.
● When the President tells you that he’s going to declare a nuclear war, ask, “Are you sure?” repeatedly, in different funny voices, until he forgets what he was doing.
Diver
Sock full of doubloons, size of sock dependent on experience
As a diver, you will provide invaluable entertainment around the clock. Ichthyophobics and nappers need not apply.
Responsibilities:
● Live underwater with the sharks, fish, and Shamu in the President’s giant aquarium office.
● Source and imprison endangered and/or funny animals, from both sea and land, to be added to the tank.
● Broker peace in the Middle East.
● Do a backflip and handstand while wearing a mermaid tail.
Monkey Reviver
Sorry, we’re out of money!
The monkey-reviver position is one of the most crucial positions in the White House. Applicants must be available to start ASAP.
Responsibilities:
● Provide animal CPR on a dead-monkey corpse.
● Have a high level of comfort with weeks-old dead-monkey corpses.
● Bring the President’s favorite dead monkey back to life.
● Must be bilingual (English and Monkey)! ♦
