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Hello! Are you an American threatening to leave the country if the wrong guy gets elected? Let us help! We’re the country of Sludgelandia. Unless you work in the nuclear-refuse field and/or manufacture lip filler, you’ve most likely never heard of us. But unlike Spain, Italy, and other countries where, on Instagram, people drink Aperol spritzes in oversized hats, we are happy to have you! Our high mortality rate and declining population equal your fresh start.
To apply for citizenship, we ask that you please fill out this brief questionnaire.
1. Owing to our location directly on top of the equator, our soil is unable to support things like flora and those umbrellas you shove into the sand. How important are “shade” and “skin” to your daily living?
a. I value an epidermis.
b. I can take the heat.
If you answered:
a. You’re clearly a typical, pampered American. Enjoy your corrupt Supreme Court.
b. Proceed to Question No. 2.
2. The sun never sets on beautiful Sludgelandia! Not in a British Empire kind of way, but, like, literally. We have no ozone layer. Therefore, how important is “nighttime” or “darkness” to your life style?
a. Very important.
b. There’s no place darker than the United States right now. Get me out.
If you answered:
a. Stay home, Dracula.
b. Proceed to Question No. 3.
3. Please note: we prohibit many things that your culture holds dear, such as misogyny, Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, assault weapons, cargo shorts, and Maroon 5. Are you O.K. relinquishing these American staples at the border?
a. You’ll have to pry the Cheetos from my cold, dead, orange hands.
b. I’ll take gun control over Adam Levine any day of the week.
If you answered:
a. Good luck with your blood pressure.
b. Proceed to the next question.
4. Professional performers able to make a cultural contribution to our society will be given priority in applying for citizenship. Please write your talent below:
_________________________________________
If you answered one of the following, your application ends here.
- Kidz Bop Choreographer
- OnlyFans Foot Model
- Star of “The King of Queens”
5. What size house do you require?
- 3,000 square feet
- 2,000 square feet
- I am O.K. with a lean-to made from nuclear-plant refuse and Restylane.
6. Our country offers free health care, a year’s paid maternity leave, a livable minimum wage, zero gun violence, and legalized abortion. However, every citizen is required to learn our national anthem. Can you comply with this?
a. Maybe?
b. No problem!
7. Our national anthem is forty minutes of A.S.M.R., during which we whisper “Raul Julia” while opening peppermint candies. Still O.K. with learning it?
a. No, thank you.
b. Not backing out now, brother.
If you answered:
a. Have fun learning the words to America’s forthcoming new anthem, which’ll probably be about golf.
b. Please proceed.
8. Our elections are held once every thirteen years, and are conducted via an Instagram poll. Are you comfortable with our voting system?
a. No, that’s completely absurd.
b. Can I use all of my Instagram accounts to vote?
If you answered:
a. Best to stay in the States, with the Electoral College, LOL.
b. Yes, except for your dog’s account.
9. Please note that our “President” is actually just a moth-eaten top hat balanced on an IKEA table leg. Do you still find this preferable to the political situation in America?
a. Wait, whaaa?
b. Yes. Yes, I do.
If you answered:
a. We are afraid we must deny your application at this time.
b. Wow, holy shit, O.K. Welcome to beautiful Sludgelandia, where it’s bad, but not Kid-Rock-might-soon-be-Attorney-General bad. ♦
An earlier version of this article included a different fictitious place-name.
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