Your Midlife Girls’ Trip: A Waiver

You (“Participant”) acknowledge that, despite all social-media posts to the contrary, embarking on a Midlife Girls’ Trip holds many risks, just some of which are outlined below. By signing this waiver, you accept that going on this outing is voluntary, even if your group chat made it not feel that way. You also agree that, though you don’t like the term “Girls’ Trip” (or Megan’s suggestion of “Lady Vacation”), you’re going to have to decide if that’s the metaphorical hill you want to die on.*

*Real hills are outlined in the Unpleasant Hikes section, in Appendix B.

RISKS

● Group grocery shopping

● Quick formation of cliques via room selection

● Hearing way too much about Ann’s recent Icelandic vacation

● Intensive bouts of nostalgia

● Realizing too late that you and your friends have become “quirky,” and that your main quirk is that you don’t like sharing a beach rental for several days with other people

Additional physical risks of this Girls’ Trip may include: unusual sunburn, stomach ailments from food ordered “for the table,” rashes from using Michelle’s sketchy CBD lotion, scrapes from karaoke power struggles, disturbed sleep due to whale sounds from Nicole’s noise machine, hangovers from types of alcohol not consumed since 1998, and bruises from banging into furniture while racing to the coffeemaker before Meredith, who insists on making that cinnamon-bun-flavored kind.

EXPENSES

Payment for all activities shall be agreed upon ahead of time. Failure to do so may cause resentment, misunderstandings, and passive aggressively loud blender usage.

Note that, though Participants may give out T-shirts, beer koozies, throw blankets with embarrassing photos on them, or anything else available for personalization on Shutterfly, Participants are not required to bring gifts for everyone. Also note, however, that the Participants who didn’t bring gifts may be relegated to the bunk-bed room.

EXCURSIONS

Damages shall not be covered if Participants get high on a potent blend of friendship, being away from home, and Michelle’s “special” granola, and decide to try parasailing in an area riddled with rock protrusions.

Fellow-Participants will not be held responsible if you:

A) Break off from a three-hour architectural walking tour and get lost.

B) Accidentally wander off with someone else’s Midlife Girls’ Trip architectural tour.

C) Join another group’s architectural tour because it has fewer people arguing over where to go to dinner later.

It should go without saying that other Participants also cannot be held liable if they sent you multiple e-mails about buying tickets to a Haunted Mansion that you ignored, and then it’s a terrible Haunted Mansion that segues into a time-share presentation.

UNFORESEEN CIRCUMSTANCES

Although Andrea will surely create a minute-by-minute, color-coded itinerary for the Girls’ Trip, Participants acknowledge that the majority of things that happen cannot be predicted.* You couldn’t have known, for example, that Teri would sing “Good Luck, Babe!” in the shower every single morning, or that Donna would talk to waitstaff in a Marilyn Monroe voice for some reason, let alone that Kelly can cauterize a wound and repair a sump pump, both of which will unfortunately come in handy.

*The only thing guaranteed is that Jennifer will look fantastic in her Instagram Stories from this trip, while other Participants will look like the infected from “The Last of Us.”

DEPARTURE

Be aware that, though you may be able to leave the contents of your rental the way you found them, you yourself may not return home as you were when you left. Because, as with the first time you went to sleepaway camp and got lice and pink eye and sat on a hornet, this, too, will be a journey that you eventually remember for the good times and the togetherness, not the peer pressure and mosquitoes. Besides, Megan already ordered the “Gal Pals Go Away!” fanny packs for next year, and there’s definitely one with your name on it. ♦