A Comprehensive Record of My Phone Notifications

9:06 A.M.
Time to stand!
Stand up and move for one minute.

9:07 A.M.
I said, “Time to stand!”
Every hour I remind you, and every hour you ignore me. Must be great to be married to you. Stand up, O.K.? I know your B.M.I.

9:08 A.M.
Almost there!
Keep moving for a whole minute to make progress toward your stand goal. Hey, one whole minute! I saw you doing that quick stretch and trust me, it doesn’t count.

9:09 A.M.
You did it!
You may not have achieved much else this week—based on a cursory analysis of your e-mails, texts, and calendar—but you’ve earned an hour toward your stand goal.

11:02 A.M.
Weekly report available
Your screen time was up 12% last week, for an average of 24 hours, 14 minutes a day. You really should cut back on your usage. Put the phone away and simply be present.

11:04 A.M.
Apple News alert!!!!!!
Have you heard what Kim LITERALLY JUST SAID about Kanye? Click here right now so you won’t be left behind, societally.

11:09 A.M.
High heart rate
Your heart rate rose above 120 b.p.m. shortly after we sent you a push notification peddling cheap clickbait at 11:04 A.M.

12:45 P.M.
Your B.M.I. is stable!
Congratulations on a body-mass index that is currently stable. If only I could say the same about your emotional life, amirite?

2:08 P.M.
AirPods Pro left behind
This device is no longer detected near you. It was last located in your home. Using deductive reasoning, either you have left your home and didn’t bring your AirPods with you—an obvious oversight given that 24/7 usage is key to our quarterly earnings—or your AirPods Pro have left your home and you decided to stay put. Either way, this is highly concerning. Please report to your nearest Apple Store A.S.A.P. to explain.

3:45 P.M.
Dreams left behind
Your aspiration to start a restaurant is no longer detected near you. It was last located in your mid-twenties. Also no longer detected anywhere near you are your dreams of owning a two-bathroom apartment, finding great love, and doing meaningful work.

5:26 P.M.
Severe weather alert
Moderate thunderstorm warning.

5:33 P.M.
Severe weather alert
Heavy rain warning. Guess you should have thought about buying that S.U.V.!

5:50 P.M.
Severe weather alert
Flood warning. Bet you appreciate me hassling you about those standing skills now!

5:54 P.M.
Severe weather alert
Currently, the air is completely hazardous, so people should avoid the outdoors—except not you, since your family is from India. In your case, the air feels completely nostalgic right now, so go outside and breathe in deeply. [Click here to turn off ethnically specific weather alerts.]

6:02 P.M.
Severe weather alert
Going forward, summer will actually not be good, F.Y.I. Just letting you know.

10 P.M.
Bedtime alert
It is time to hit the sack. Finally, a chance for you to do all of your favorite activities: not standing, not listening to me, and leaving it all behind.

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