Difficulty: High
Length: Decades
Out-and-Back or Loop: Never-ending Anxiety Loop
As dangerous as Everest and as technically demanding as K2, no discussion of the world’s most challenging peaks is complete without a mention of Cringe Mountain. But for those willing to undertake the rigorous climb, the rewards waiting at the summit are extraordinary.
Regardless of your desired route, advance planning is key for your journey. Be prepared for crowds on the Instagram face of the mountain to spike during holidays like Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. It’s also important to come properly outfitted for your ascent, as exposure on Cringe Mountain can be deadly. (Ankle socks, mom jeans, and a French tuck should be fine.)
The most popular and widely accessible entry point to Cringe is having been born in the eighties or nineties. The lower section of this trail is gentle and promises landscape features familiar to most millennials, including plenty of heckin’ puppers and doggos, the crying-laughing emoji, and adulting.
Eventually, this route intersects with the path from the Gen Z trailhead, which can present a steep learning curve for the millennial hiker. But not to worry—ironically using Gen Z slang you’ve read about online will only bring you closer to the apex of Cringe. Skibidi, indeed!
About a quarter mile past this intersection, you’ll encounter a stream. The water may be tempting, but be wary when confronting your reflection, especially without a filter. Self-awareness this early in the climb could easily wreck your chances of summiting.
As the incline picks up and you emerge from the tree line, you’ll find increasingly less protection from the harsh elements. Luckily, the Saddle of Ambivalence provides a good spot to take a break and wonder if making art or maintaining an online presence is even worth it. Beginners may want to call it a day here, accept that they are old, and simply stop downloading new social-media platforms.
There is no shame in turning around at the saddle. You do not want to be lost on Cringe Mountain after dark. The mountain sustains a diverse ecosystem of haters, many species of which are anonymous and therefore particularly vicious. If attacked, you’ll likely end up digging yourself deeper and deeper into a defensive hole, which will only sap your remaining energy for the ascent.
If you do choose to press on, expect rough terrain. You’re about to hit the most notoriously treacherous section of the trail, the jagged Ridgeline of Posting About Current Events. If you step too far in the direction of earnestness, you’re out of touch; if you’re too irreverent, you risk misreading the room. Only a few perilous inches separate Cringe and the Abyss of Tone-Deaf. When in doubt, follow other hikers’ leads.
When you can do so safely, enjoy the views! Take a moment to appreciate the hard work that got you here, from way back in your A.I.M. days, using cryptic Something Corporate lyrics for your away message, to meeting your partner (“Can’t believe I get to do life with this one!”) to your proudest career achievements (“So, I did a thing . . . ”). You’ve come so far, and you’ve been cringe the whole time.
Before the final summit approach, you may choose to honor those who came before you and perished on Cringe Mountain—the celebrities in the “Imagine” video, Harry and Meghan, every Democratic Presidential candidate since Obama. Pay tribute to their memory by reciting the sacred words of the patron saint of cringe, Marnie Michaels: “Let’s make fun of the girl who took a risk and put herself out there creatively.”
Now all that’s left is the dizzying final ascent at high altitude, during which it’s easy to grow confused and disoriented. It’s all too common for hikers to believe that they’re already at the summit, smugly reading New York Times trend pieces about the “millennial pause” or whatever new thing TikTokers say is cringe, before stumbling on the realization that actually the most cringe thing you can do is trust the Times to tell you what’s cringe. Because of course the most cringe thing of all is caring about being cringe, which means— Oh, God, you’re doing it right now. This whole piece is cringe. We’ve entered the Cringe Vortex!
You trudge toward the peak, every inch a struggle. The lack of oxygen sends your body into frenzied paroxysms of cringe. Bacon equals epic win . . . pizza is your boyfriend . . . sportsball . . . you can haz cheezburger . . . FTW. FML. LMAO. IDK my BFF Jill. Duck face, peace sign, hand heart, I love my curvy wife!!!
You extend a weak, quivering hand, and, with your last shred of will power, make contact with the summit marker.
Instantly, you levitate seven feet off the mountain.
Your mind is clear, your heart full. Your body—its strength and vitality entirely restored—has assumed an effortless full lotus pose. Earthbound haters can now only gaze upon you in envy and admiration. You are free from all terrestrial concerns, no longer shackled to this mortal plane by the need for food, water, or external validation.
You have achieved the impossible. You are cool.
You should be very proud of your accomplishment. Spend the hike down planning how you’ll caption your post about it. ♦
