With Apple Screen Time, you can manage how many minutes you allow yourself on any given app. In addition to the previously programmed snooze intervals of one minute, fifteen minutes, and the rest of the day, to better serve your horrible little life style, we’ve expanded our options to include:
Snooze for one hour.
Snooze for another hour (pleeeease).
Snooze until I’m done waiting in line at the bagel shop.
Snooze until I’m at the front of the line at the bagel shop, and they’ve just run out of everything bagels.
Snooze until I’m bagel-less, dizzy, and despairing—the lack of blood sugar causing me to succumb to existential emptiness, which then causes me to post to Instagram.
Snooze until I’ve finished watching a forty-seven-minute YouTube video deep-dive into celebrity plastic surgery.
Snooze until my TikTok “For You” page starts showing me invasively specific-yet-informative videos about pimple-popping.
Snooze until I’ve popped this pimple.
Snooze until it’s been one hour (for real this time!).
Snooze until two days and thirty-seven minutes from now, and not a second longer.
Snooze until I’ve confirmed that everyone I follow on Instagram is in Italy.
Snooze until I’ve confirmed that everyone I follow on Instagram is in Italy by coincidence and didn’t intentionally exclude me from some group trip.
Snooze until I’ve proved that I’m a value-add to an acquaintance’s Close Friends group by responding to their Almafi Coast story with an emoji combo that doesn’t make me seem jealous.
Snooze until my ex has seen my Instagram story.
Snooze until I see on my ex’s profile that his college best friend has glowed up.
Snooze until I’ve confirmed whether the woman on the bus is my ex’s friend’s friend’s ex-girlfriend’s stepsister, the one who was banned from her yoga studio for pushing people during downward-facing dog.
Snooze until I’ve confirmed whether the woman on the bus is my ex’s friend’s friend’s ex-girlfriend’s stepsister, but the other one.
Snooze until I realize that I’ve been kidnapped by a woman (my ex’s friend’s friend’s ex-girlfriend’s third stepsister!) and tied to the tracks ahead of an oncoming train
Snooze until I realize that there’s a lever nearby that can divert the train so that it instead hits a large group of people tied to parallel tracks, which is the sad consequence of going to Italy without me.
Snooze until the world’s smartest man with a Tweety Bird avatar has successfully justified my death through an online philosophical debate with strangers.
Snooze until a hot guy appears, physically stops the train with his own human strength, and saws off the ropes tying me to the tracks, saving everyone (especially me).
Snooze until I remember that I’ve seen this hot guy before, and . . . it’s my ex’s college best friend who glowed up!
Snooze until the hot guy who saved me gets down on one knee to propose, and I’ve said, “Wait, babe, one sec, someone just tagged me in a giveaway post,” which he understands is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
Snooze until I’m certain that the Instagram post announcing our engagement is performing well.
Snooze until I’ve sufficiently studied every dish on every fancy wedding caterer’s menu and selected only the ones that I can confidently pronounce.
Snooze until my water breaks.
Snooze until the obstetrician tells me that the baby is finally crowning.
Snooze until I’m certain that the Instagram post announcing the birth of my child is performing well.
Snooze until I’ve landed upon the perfect name for my parenting blog.
Snooze until I’ve decided on another name for my parenting blog after learning that “Mommy, Baby, Hot Guy from Train Tracks” was already taken.
Snooze until I realize that it’s time to put the phone down and process the fact that I never planned on marriage, motherhood, and blog-ownership all happening this quickly.
Snooze until I realize that I had a life before this. I was supposed to go to Italy! When did I lose control of my story? Maybe there’s still time to get involved with the local animal shelter or some shit.
Snooze until I snap out of it because they’ve been calling my name at the bagel-shop counter for five minutes now. ♦
