A recent survey of our employees indicated that people are sick of the “compliment sandwich”—negative feedback sandwiched between compliments. The executive team is pleased to offer some alternatives that we hope will be effective for managers serving up constructive criticism in the workplace.
This cheesy open-faced option has no meat. Perfect for employees who enjoy being regaled with hours of stories from your past, like how you “worked your way through college” (when it was $2,350 a year) and the time you met Lee Iacocca. This crusty sandwich is one-sided, with hints of nuttiness. Pairs well with a cup of day-old coffee from the break room.
These meatballs fra diavolo are extremely tough. Treat your employees like part of the “family,” with an emphasis on loyalty. Deliver the message that long hours are the norm in this culture, in which the Boss gives you orders that you can’t refuse. Workers are expected to sign N.D.A. agreements in blood. Those who are disloyal are sent to Vinny in H.R. and never seen again.
Hate giving negative feedback? The Honey Bomb delivers heaps of praise and positive reinforcement to motivate your busy bees to take on even more work. Employees may feel an unexpected sting when they get fired without warning. If they ask why, just release real honeybees and run away. A liability waiver is recommended, as side effects may include employees with swelled heads.
Feedback is vague, and job requirements and advancement opportunities constantly shift, in this spiralling cruller. Best given to employees who want to feel as if they’re climbing the stairs to a higher level that is, in fact, impossible to reach. The sweet illusion of promotion will have them circling back, unsatisfied, still hungry for another serving.
This performative multicultural sandwich disintegrates upon the first bite. Instead of encountering specific actionable feedback, diverse members of your staff will appreciate having their photos featured prominently in Corporate’s annual report. Praise their great attitude when you ask them to do something way outside of their expertise (or job description), like leading a diversity-training seminar. This sandwich will no doubt fill up your team with synergy and mutual respect.
These transparent jello pies are perfect for employees who need everything spelled out for them. Staff activities are tracked and ranked for healthy competition. Workers love feedback based on quantitative metrics. Managers use a fair-pay formula:
These raw-meat skewers are served on swords, on top of a chopping block. A hearty appetizer for employees who welcome direct, pointed feedback. Best delivered with no dressing or emotional intelligence. Strong criticism may be painful and take days to digest, but your employees will come out stronger on the other side.*
Consuming raw meats may increase the risk of self-doubt, performance anxiety, and sudden letters of resignation. ♦
