7 A.M. The person I am not gets up promptly to enjoy a perfect sunrise and does forty-five minutes of Pilates without first sitting on the toilet and staring into space for nine minutes while coming to no real conclusions.
7:45 A.M. The person I am not showers (adhering to an eco-friendly timer), throws her hair into a messy-yet-somehow-perfect bun, and selects a vintage tee from her capsule wardrobe that contains five items, including a vintage jacket that makes her arms look skinny from every angle.
8 A.M. The person I am not grabs a green smoothie that she pre-made and puts it into her cup with a metal straw that she got at an NPR mixer.
8:30 A.M. The person I am not seamlessly merges onto the highway without getting anxious or silently farting the whole way and then parallel parks in one perfect move without her insides screaming, “BEING BAD AT THIS REFLECTS POORLY ON ALL WOMEN.”
8:33 A.M. On her way to work, the person I am not gives correct cardinal directions to three lost tourists while saying her daily affirmations and then patiently listens to a twenty-three-year-old clipboard holder talk about dying polar bears before committing to a monthly donation to the cause, which doesn’t stress her out, because she can afford that.
8:45 A.M. The person I am not arrives at work early to check in on the emotional well-being of her co-workers and remembers the names of their spouses and children, as well as their secret dreams. She then fills up her one-gallon gradient water bottle.
9 A.M. The person I am not powers through the first four hours of the day without checking Facebook or Instagram—and definitely without looking at LinkedIn just to get her hopes up that a sponsored private message is an actual job opportunity. The person I am not doesn’t even look at her phone until after work.
12:30 P.M. The person I am not walks to the park for lunch and then forgets to eat lunch until a co-worker reminds her of the existence of food and she’s, like, “Oh, yeah, lunch!”
1 P.M. The person I am not gives co-workers just enough polite information about her private life, but never overshares, and certainly never hides in the lactation room just to cry on the phone to her mother that she “CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE!”
5 P.M. The person I am not finishes work early, but hangs around the office for an additional hour just to “see if anyone needs anything.”
5:50 P.M. The person I am not holds on to all plasticware she obtains throughout the day and remembers to rinse it before dropping it into the recycling bin.
6:15 P.M. The person I am not attends an after-work social event and has a splendid time in a way that makes people say, “You’re fun and don’t seem to want to leave immediately!”
7:30-9 P.M. The person I am not drives home without feeling hopeless about current world events and preserves enough energy for power yoga, after which she asks her spouse about their day and thinks of really thoughtful, specific follow-up questions that show not only that she was fully listening but also that she can offer insights in a non-judgmental, agreeable way.
9:15 P.M. The person I am not reads Thoreau’s “Walden” before bed, as she does every night, just because it reminds her of that one summer she finished every book that a person needs to read to seem deep.
9:33 P.M. The person I am not flosses.
10 P.M. The person I am not doesn’t get sucked into a documentary about a cult and secretly think that it looks kind of relaxing.
10:30 P.M. The person I am not kisses her significant other good night and doesn’t step on her cat’s tail on the way to bed, generating a devastating “MRRAEOWWW!” and a series of apologies and a fight about “Why does the cat walk under us?” and “Doesn’t that kind of make it his own fault?” and “Nobody has time to slow down for the cat because why is it so hard to get ahead in America when the unemployment level is low but the price of living is so high and everything that tastes good is bad for you and there are so many wars and women still aren’t treated as equals and also racism and the world is going to melt before we solve anything and we have to do this all again tomorrow.” After that, the person I am not sets her alarm for 7 A.M., and doesn’t set five backup alarms.
10:45 P.M. The person I am not falls asleep and drifts into beautiful dreams knowing that her bank account is full, she’s on good terms with everyone in her life, and she will wake up tomorrow to another perfect sunrise. ♦
