Day at the Beach

LIFEGUARDS NO. 1, 2, 3: [In unison.] Everybody smile!


JANET: Why “no”?

GARY: Because there are three cameras!

JANET: Exactly—we get three times as many pictures.

BUCK: To choose from.

GARY: All bad. Because in every picture we’ll all be looking in different directions.


GARY: And what? We get no pictures with all of us smiling into the same camera.

MARILYN: Gary has a point.

JANET: Does he?

MARILYN: Yes, I think so. In last year’s pictures of us at the beach, we’re all looking in different directions.

BUCK: I don’t remember that.

GARY: Well, I do. And, look, we’re taking up the time of three lifeguards.

LIFEGUARD NO. 1: He’s right. And there are only three of us.

LIFEGUARD NO. 2: For the whole beach.

LIFEGUARD NO. 3: So we should really make this quick.

MARILYN: What if we turn it around so that the water’s behind us? That way, the lifeguards could watch the water while they’re taking the pictures.

GARY: O.K. But that doesn’t solve the original problem, does it?

MARILYN: He’s right.

GARY: Ya see, if there’s only one lifeguard holding a camera, then the other two can look for folks getting in trouble in the water.

LIFEGUARD NO. 3: I like that. ’Cause really that’s the job.

LIFEGUARD NO. 1: Absolutely.

GARY: Good. Let’s turn this thing around. Let’s go clockwise, O.K.? So we’re turning clockwise, and we end up with our backs to the water. Ready, on three. One, two, three—everybody turn. No, Buck. Clockwise.

BUCK: This is clockwise.

MARILYN, GARY, JANET, AND LIFEGUARDS NO. 1 AND 3: No, that’s counterclockwise.

BUCK: Depends.

GARY: Depends?

BUCK: On if you’re looking up at the sky or you’re looking down at the sand.

MARILYN: Buck went to M.I.T.

GARY: O.K. Let’s move clockwise like we all went to Oberlin.

[They all turn clockwise. The lifeguards are now facing the ocean.]

LIFEGUARD NO. 1: Oh, boy! This does not work. Now we’re shooting directly into the sun.

LIFEGUARD NO. 2: You’re all in silhouette.

LIFEGUARD NO. 3: Yep. This was a big mistake.

GARY: O.K.! Listen! Listen! We all circle back—counterclockwise, O.K.? And we have one of these nice lifeguards take the picture. One of them! While the other two look for people struggling in the ocean so that, if necessary, they can save their friggin’ lives! O.K.?

LIFEGUARD NO. 1: That is the job.

GARY: On three. One, two . . . three!!! Clockwise!

[They all turn back to their original positions.]

LIFEGUARD NO. 1: O.K., which one of us is going to take the picture?

[There’s a long pause.]

LIFEGUARD NO. 2: I’m not good at taking pictures.

GARY: Then not you.

LIFEGUARD NO. 3: I don’t know how to use this phone to take pictures.

LIFEGUARD NO. 1: That kinda leaves me, doesn’t it?

GLEN: Great. Everybody look at him and smile.

[The camera clicks.]

JANET: [To Buck, sotto voce.] Gary ruins every vacation. ♦

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