From: Nancy Pelosi
Subject: Help!
Dear Ian—I am overwhelmed! I’ve tried and tried, but I can’t delete this e-mail. You have been helpful in deleting e-mails from the Dems in the past—won’t you please delete this one? All it takes is a few seconds of your time. In the upper right-hand corner of your keyboard, you will see a button that says “Delete.” Can we count on you to hit that button before midnight tonight? We knew we could!
From: James Carville
Subject: Game Over
Hi, Ian, it’s Jim here. Do you remember, two years ago, when I reached out to you and said that if we lost the governor’s race in Virginia it would be “game over” for the Democrats? Well, we did, and it is. That’s why I am asking you to delete this e-mail as soon as you possibly can. Please, won’t you dig deep and hit that ol’ Delete key? (Upper right-hand corner, if you’ve got a Mac.) I’d sure appreciate it.
From: Chuck Schumer
Subject: Wonderful News!
Dear Ian—I’ve just received some news that I’m sure will make you as happy as it made me. One of our most faithful supporters has offered to match every deletion for the next twenty-four hours on a two-for-one basis. That means you don’t even have to delete a whole e-mail! Just select one-third of an e-mail from me and delete it, and this supporter will delete the other two-thirds. But you must act before 4:40 p.m. tomorrow—sorry, make that 4:41:33 p.m.!
From: Defend the Senate
Subject: Please Don’t Delete (Not!)
We’re reaching out to you, Ian, because you have been one of our most faithful deleters in the past. But now, frankly, we’re worried. Our records show that you often read this far in our e-mails, and sometimes even farther. An e-mail like this should not even be opened, let alone allowed to go on for this long. We can make this work, but it’s going to take all of us.
From: Elizabeth Warren
Subject: This Is Incredible!
Dear Ian—did you know that it’s possible to go into your e-mail trash folder and _delete e-mails that you have already deleted _?! It’s true! Each of those “double deletions” helps, so let’s start with this one—delete, then re-delete, to make sure. It’s as easy as that.
From: Tracking Poll
Subject: Update Your Poll Answers
Don’t worry, all we’re asking for today is your input on some important issues in the news, so there’s no need to delete this e-mail. . . . On second thought, maybe you’d better.
From: Adam Schiff
Subject: You Need to See This
Ian, I’m going to be very candid with you. To help yourself and your fellow-Dems—not just to win but to survive emotionally and physically—you should be checking your e-mail every few seconds and getting rid of anything from my colleagues or myself the instant it pops up on your screen. Remember what happened with my book “Midnight in Washington”? You unwisely ordered it, thumbed through it, and lost an entire several minutes of your life that you will never be able to get back. Don’t let that happen again.
From: Cheap Botox Last Chance
Subject: BACKFIRES!
The Dems’ pleas for help in deleting their e-mails have BACKFIRED! Now you’re deleting so much that your finger is too tired to delete Cheap Botox Last Chance, and you end up buying Botox, for Cheap—when the average age of U.S. senators is over sixty-five, and they probably need it even more than you do. Talk about a BACKFIRE! (See order form attached.)
From: Dems in Congress
Subject: FIRE! Really! A Real Fire, Not Just Figure-of-Speech Clickbait—FIRE!! I’m Not Kidding! FI-I-I-RE!!!
(Sorry, that was Jamaal Bowman. Disregard, delete.)
From: Nancy Pelosi
Subject: Blunt
Hi, Ian. We have been blunt with you in the past. Now we have to up our game and be even blunter, in the hope that our increased bluntness will get through. We understand that you’re trying, but you are simply not deleting enough. I know this can be very hard for older folks like yourself. But I’ll be as blunt as blunt can be—if we don’t get at least four hundred thousand deletions by midnight, our very gerontocracy could be at risk! It’s your decision.
From: James Carville
Subject: You Call That ‘Blunt’? I’ll Give You Blunt!
What’s it gonna take, Ian? What’s stopping you? Bad experiences in the past? You thought you pressed Delete, and you accidentally launched an I.C.B.M., or something? C’mon, Ian—just hit Delete, and keep on hittin’ it. . . . Wait, I said hit Delete, not the Launch All Rockets button! Stop! HIT DELETE! DELETE!! Oh, no-o-o-o-o-o-o . . . (End of world.) ♦
