Florida Judge Rules That Airlines Cannot Require Passengers to Have Tickets

TAMPA (The Borowitz Report)—Calling the provision a “violation of individual freedom,” a federal judge in Florida has ruled that airlines can no longer require passengers to have tickets.

Judge Kathryn Kimball Mizelle said that she came to her decision after finding that the United States Constitution makes “no reference whatsoever” to airline tickets.

“The Framers of the Constitution clearly wanted to prevent the infringement of Americans’ right to board any airplane they want,” the Trump appointee said. “And so I hereby lift the ticket mandate.”

As part of her ruling, Mizelle barred the airlines from giving seat assignments, calling that practice a violation of the First Amendment’s enshrinement of “freedom of sitting.”

The pilot of an airliner travelling from Denver to Chicago announced Mizelle’s decision in mid-flight on Wednesday, causing passengers to erupt in applause and wrestle for seats in first class.

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