Seat Pants: Standing for an entire concert is a young man’s game. Thankfully, with these pants, you can rest between sets without losing your spot.
![Bottom half of leg wearing spiky sock and Croc.](https://media.newyorker.com/photos/65c160047ae455af346efb81/master/w_727,c_limit/2_EgerdieSjule_concert.jpg)
Steel-Toed Crocs with Matching Compression Socks: Comfortably protect toes from getting stomped on and combat varicose veins.
![Person wearing a personal air filtration device at a concert.](https://media.newyorker.com/photos/65c1600562cf8907061da5bc/master/w_727,c_limit/3_EgerdieSjule_concert.jpg)
Private Air-Filtration System: Sure, smoking indoors is illegal, but when has that ever stopped concertgoers? Protect your declining lung capacity with this easy-to-wear filtration system. Make sure to change the filter every hour, or any time you see an eighteen-year-old swap out their vape cartridge.
![Person releasing emergency airbag at concert.](https://media.newyorker.com/photos/65c1600596a3664d2e864eb8/master/w_727,c_limit/4_EgerdieSjule_concert.jpg)
Emergency-Release Wearable Air Bag: Repels moshing, jostling, pushing, elbowing, and sweaty, long-haired dancers with no concept of personal space.
![Woman wearing a bucket hat.](https://media.newyorker.com/photos/65c1657621b32081f2ce8801/master/w_727,c_limit/5_EgerdieSjule_concert.jpg)
Gen Z Camouflage: Afraid of getting bullied by hot, cool youths? Hide in plain sight with this nineties-inspired outfit sourced from the back of your closet. Luckily, it’s too dark in here for any young’uns to clock your wrinkles.
![Man wearing an IV bag beer hat.](https://media.newyorker.com/photos/65c1657662cf8907061da5c0/master/w_727,c_limit/6_EgerdieSjule_concert.jpg)
I.V.-Bag “Beer” Hat: Pro: You’ll never be dehydrated again. Con: Concert bros will confuse you for a good time.
![Woman raising arms and people reacting to the smell coming from her armpits.](https://media.newyorker.com/photos/65c16576576c9a8e17061cbe/master/w_727,c_limit/7_EgerdieSjule_concert.jpg)
Pits in the Pit Deodorant: Body odor, begone. This tiny, weaponized air freshener is quickly activated by raising your arms. Powerful enough to neutralize reeking individuals as well as stinky venues with a blast of lemon-fresh scent.
![Woman crouching in a tiny noise-cancelling panic room.](https://media.newyorker.com/photos/65c165d696a3664d2e864ebc/master/w_727,c_limit/8_EgerdieSjule_concert.jpg)
Noise-Cancelling Panic Room: Uh-oh, is the band inviting out a horn section? Good thing you brought a self-inflating safe space in which you can ride out the inevitable ska trauma response in peace.
![Two women blowing into whistles with a frequency that only adults can hear.](https://media.newyorker.com/photos/65c165ca2b65d2541505e795/master/w_727,c_limit/9_EgerdieSjule_concert.jpg)
Adults-Only Whistle: Locate fellow-olds with a piercing toot-toot! This whistle plays the opening synth line of Usher’s “Yeah!” at a frequency that only people over the age of thirty can hear. Now you and your peers can gather and discuss what you really care about: the venue’s fire-code violations.