How to Dress for a Concert in Your Thirties

Seat Pants: Standing for an entire concert is a young man’s game. Thankfully, with these pants, you can rest between sets without losing your spot.

Steel-Toed Crocs with Matching Compression Socks: Comfortably protect toes from getting stomped on and combat varicose veins.

Private Air-Filtration System: Sure, smoking indoors is illegal, but when has that ever stopped concertgoers? Protect your declining lung capacity with this easy-to-wear filtration system. Make sure to change the filter every hour, or any time you see an eighteen-year-old swap out their vape cartridge.

Emergency-Release Wearable Air Bag: Repels moshing, jostling, pushing, elbowing, and sweaty, long-haired dancers with no concept of personal space.

Gen Z Camouflage: Afraid of getting bullied by hot, cool youths? Hide in plain sight with this nineties-inspired outfit sourced from the back of your closet. Luckily, it’s too dark in here for any young’uns to clock your wrinkles.

I.V.-Bag “Beer” Hat: Pro: You’ll never be dehydrated again. Con: Concert bros will confuse you for a good time.

Pits in the Pit Deodorant: Body odor, begone. This tiny, weaponized air freshener is quickly activated by raising your arms. Powerful enough to neutralize reeking individuals as well as stinky venues with a blast of lemon-fresh scent.

Noise-Cancelling Panic Room: Uh-oh, is the band inviting out a horn section? Good thing you brought a self-inflating safe space in which you can ride out the inevitable ska trauma response in peace.

Adults-Only Whistle: Locate fellow-olds with a piercing toot-toot! This whistle plays the opening synth line of Usher’s “Yeah!” at a frequency that only people over the age of thirty can hear. Now you and your peers can gather and discuss what you really care about: the venue’s fire-code violations.

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