Hey, there! Sorry to interrupt, but I saw you from across the street and just had to come tell you how adorable your baby is. And also to see if you wanted to take all of the toys I bought for my kids when they were younger that have done nothing but take up space in my basement and remind me of the inexorable passage of time for the past twenty years!
Seriously, though, this little guy is just too cute. I bet you’re already working hard to make sure he gets the best in life—healthy food, a good education, a three-ring binder filled with Pokémon cards that my son swore he would sell for millions one day but now doesn’t even know I still have, et cetera. I can help you with that last one, actually. Please, please, let me help you with it! The Charizard might still be worth something despite, or maybe even because of, all the Kool-Aid stains on it.
Oh, was that a “Hi?” Is he talking already? Gosh, time with your kids really does go by too fast. One minute they’re happily playing with a rattle, the next minute they’re screaming and literally rending their garments in aisle three of a KB Toys over your refusal to buy them a sixth Furby because, even though she already has five, she still doesn’t have a pink one like Tammy, and she and Tammy are best friends, so they need to have the same of everything. And then the minute after that, you’re passing by all six Furbies every time you go to the basement and wondering whether your daughter would have been so insistent about getting the pink one if she knew that she and Tammy would basically stop talking once Tammy got really into choir in the seventh grade.
Do you know how long it takes one Furby to biodegrade? I looked it up once, and now I can’t sleep at night.
So, when do you want to come over and take a look? Or, if you give me your address, I can just run home right now, throw all of my kids’ old toys into a garbage bag, and dump it on your front porch. You won’t even know I was there, especially because if we interact in any way, it will give you a chance to tell me that you don’t need a Stretch Armstrong that has been steadily leaking goo from its left arm since 1997. It will be just like the end of “Toy Story 3,” only without all the heartwarming parts! So, “Toy Story 4,” basically.
Hey, where are you going? I haven’t even finished telling you about the rest of our great toys! Do you want Polly Pockets? Tamagotchis? Pretty much anything that was popular between 1989 and 2001, except Pogs, which for some reason neither of my kids ever got into, even though I always thought they looked kind of fun? Other than Pogs, I’ve got it, and it’s yours for the taking!
You know what, fine. If you really don’t want any of this, I guess I can’t force you to take it, especially since that bill I’ve been lobbying for hasn’t passed the state Senate yet. Just know that you, too, will be in this position someday, desperately searching for what to do with all the toys you bought for your kids when they were younger while also trying to hold on to fading memories of the increasingly distant times when they actually played with and enjoyed them. There is no escape from this. It comes for us all.
Anyway, your baby really is cute. Have a nice walk! ♦
