Stories from the Trump Bible

Donald Trump is selling a “God Bless the USA” Bible for $60.

NPR, March 27th.

The Great Flood
Now, Noah was very faithful, so God commanded him to build a mighty ark, telling him, “Take your family and two of every living thing.” But there was one animal that Noah couldn’t catch, and that was the beautiful unicorn, a white horse with a horn on its head. They’re very tricky, those unicorns. They hid from Noah and perished in the flood.

Noah became very sad and spoke to God: “Lord, why have you forsaken the unicorn? Especially when you have other creatures here I don’t care for, frankly.”

After forty days, God kept his promise and the rain stopped. Noah and his family stepped out of the ark and into a new world. But he couldn’t stop thinking about unicorns.

Imagine if we had unicorns today. Wouldn’t that be something?

The Testing of Abraham
“Abraham!” God commanded. “Take your son to the mountain and make of him a sacrifice to me.”

But Abraham had a multitude of sons by many wives. That’s how they did it back then. Many wives. Some say it was better that way.

“Lord,” Abraham replied, “can you tell me which son? I have so many.”

“Your firstborn.”

“Just the one, Lord? Really, there are so many I don’t remember all their names.”

“Just the one. It’s not a big deal.”

“Are you sure? Honestly, Lord, I can’t find them all jobs as it is.”

“O.K., fine. Take a couple.”

“The firstborn and one other?”

“It doesn’t matter. You choose.”

Then Abraham was seized by fear, and beseeched the Lord: “Please spare my daughter. For I say unto you, she’s quite a looker.”

And God replied, “Let’s just forget I said anything.”

The Feeding of the Multitude
After Jesus finished preaching, a great multitude of people came to him with tears in their eyes, because it had been such a beautiful speech. But it was also very long, and they were hungry.

The apostles had only seven loaves of bread and a few fish. Jesus told them, “Collect money from the multitude for food. Then bring it to me and I’ll show you a miracle.” And because he liked to test his followers he added, “The apostle who brings the most money can ride with me on my donkey into Jerusalem.”

When the apostles had done what he asked, Jesus broke the loaves and fish and put them into baskets. When the apostles saw what he had done, they cried, “Lord, there are still only seven loaves and a few fish. They’re just in smaller baskets. That won’t fool anybody.”

Jesus put the money in his robe and said, “Tell the multitude if they go home now we’ve got something much better than loaves and fish for them. They’re going to be very happy, trust me.”

The apostles told the five thousand what Jesus had said and, lo, they were satisfied and left without eating. The apostles threw themselves on the ground and praised Jesus, for they had witnessed a miracle.

Afterward, Jesus didn’t mention the donkey ride again, and nobody asked.

The Resurrection
After Jesus was arrested, the crowd brought him before Pontius Pilate.

“Tell me, Jesus Christ,” Pilate said. “Are you King of the Jews?” Which wasn’t that strange a question, because even today a lot of people don’t know that Jesus was actually Jewish.

“You say that I am,” Jesus replied, but, again, you couldn’t tell just by looking at him. “This trial is very unfair. You are a corrupt judge, and your wife is a very nasty woman.”

“What does my wife have to do with anything?” Pilate asked.

“I don’t want to say,” Jesus replied. “But I’ve heard some rumors.”

The crowd dragged Jesus away, while Pilate pondered the comment about his wife. Jesus was crucified and left to die.

Overcome by grief, the apostles left for Galilee, where to their amazement they found Jesus in splendid white robes waiting for them.

“Lord!” they cried. “You have fulfilled the prophecies and risen from the dead.”

“What prophecies?” Jesus replied. “I’ve been here the whole time.”

The apostles didn’t understand.

“While I was carrying the Cross, someone stopped to help,” Jesus said. “Simon. Shimon, maybe. Sounded foreign. The next thing I knew, the crowd had crucified him instead, so I just left.”

The apostles exulted, and the sky opened up. “I am ascending to Heaven now to sit at the right hand of the Father,” Jesus told them. “And when I return I’m not going to be in such a forgiving mood. Judas, the Pharisees, Pilate—they will feel my wrath on Day One. I’m not so happy with Thomas, either, who I heard said some very bad things about me. And this will be a sign unto you: the lamb will lie down with the lion. And you’re not going to want to be the lamb, believe me.”

With that, Jesus ascended to Heaven, speaking his final words: “I’ll ask one more time about the unicorns. But I’m pretty sure the answer is still no.” ♦

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