Thank them, because miraculously it has worked. Your stress is now completely gone and a blind rage has taken its place. You can’t even remember a time when you didn’t feel this much anger. You marvel at your newfound strength as you look up at the Mazda CX-5 you are now lifting above your head with ease.
Google “nearest ocean.” Start walking toward it. Gather stones as you go.
Smile and keep emphatically blinking until they go away.
If you care about this person, study their face. For this is the last time you’ll ever want to see it.
Ask them if this statement has worked for them in the past. If they say yes, back away slowly. You are not safe. Discreetly slide your hand into your pocket, unlock your phone, and dial 911. Hope that you don’t accidentally dial #44.
Open your Notes app, scroll to your Master Plan, and give it a read. “Step 1: Separate not-to-stresser from the pack.” Begin Internet-stalking their significant other. Discover that their partner is currently in graduate school at U.C.L.A. Quit your job. Enroll at U.C.L.A.
Inhale for a count of three. Exhale for a count of three. Do this until you start to cry. Who are you kidding? You’ve been looking for an excuse. Let those tears flow and, when they do, take a selfie. The color of your eyes really pops when you cry and you always forget to take pictures of yourself.
Respond in a high-pitched voice: “Ohhh, I shouldn’t stress?! Thanks for the tip, jackass.” Brace yourself for a slap. Cherish how alive the pain and the word “jackass” make you feel.
Relax and soak in the moment, for you now finally have something to talk about in therapy other than your low sex drive.
Take a deep breath. Blow it out all over their face. Make sure to use your diaphragm.
Look behind you. There’s definitely someone else in the room that they were talking to. If you don’t notice anyone, it means that they can see ghosts. Say hi to said ghost. The last thing you need when you’re stressed is an angry ghost, or an angry person who sees ghosts.
Run to the ocean. It’s way faster.
If holding a drink, throw it in their face. Cross “throw a drink in someone’s face” off your bucket list. Add “throw a drink in someone’s face” to your things-that-bring-me-joy list.
Be grateful. You were just thinking that nothing interesting ever happens to you. Store this encounter in your brain as dinner-party-conversation fodder. Make a decision to use the word “fodder” more often. Look up on your phone if you are using the word “fodder” correctly.
Hold your head high and remind yourself that this person doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. You now have a graduate degree from U.C.L.A.! That’s what matters. Apply for positions in academia. Suddenly remember the jackass. Return to your Master Plan.
Pinch yourself—this is a nightmare and it’s time to wake up.
Pinch them—while telling them “not to stress.”
Pinch the air—by bringing your index finger down hard onto your thumb. This could be the first time you successfully snap. Life would be so much better if you could snap (while also snapping at someone).
Pray for them, for they are more lost than you. Make sure to say, “I’m praying for you.” (It doesn’t matter if you don’t know any prayers.)
Drive to the ocean—it’s the fastest option. Speed onto the sand and toward the water. Yes, that’s it. Slam on the brakes right before you hit the surf. Roll down the windows and breathe in the brisk, salty air. Think about the jackass, who probably isn’t enjoying a stunning pink-purple sunset. Skip the stones you previously collected. Take out your phone, and snap a selfie. Cherish how much better you’re getting at taking pictures of yourself. Send said picture to the jackass with the caption “Don’t stress.” ♦
