Just in the time that it takes you to read this sentence, Americans will generate a hundred and ten tons of refuse, including twenty-nine thousand fast-food sandwich wrappers, a thousand beach umbrellas, eight thousand two hundred plastic takeout containers, a hundred and fifty faux-leather jackets, and twenty-five hundred more sandwich wrappers.
That’s a lot!
The good news is that much of it can be saved from the landfill—if you follow a few simple guidelines.
PAPER
What can I recycle?
Most clean, dry paper can go into your curbside bin. This includes things like newspapers, magazines, cardboard, and greeting cards.
Are there exceptions?
God, yes. For example, if a greeting card includes glitter, it goes in the trash. If a cardboard box has a slightly waxy feel to it, it cannot be recycled and frankly you shouldn’t have brought it into your home in the first place. And, if the newspaper in question is a tabloid featuring a salacious photo and/or punny headline on the front page, discard it on some form of public transportation for a stranger to enjoy.
How about pizza boxes?
Pizza boxes are fine, unless they had pizza in them at some point.
Wrapping paper?
Who still uses wrapping paper? Gift bags are so much easier.
Can I recycle gift bags?
No.
I get meal-kit deliveries packed in insulating material sheathed in brown paper made by a company called EnviroPURE and emblazoned with the words “100% RECYCLABLE, RECYCLE JUST LIKE PAPER.” Can this go in my curbside bin?
LOL, no.
Can I recycle boxes containing freezer items, such as frozen pancakes?
You buy frozen pancakes? They’re not that hard to make.
I don’t have time.
It takes five minutes.
Can I recycle the packaging or not?
You can buy mixes where all you do is add water.
I’ll look into that. In the meantime, I have this frozen-pancake box on my hands.
Boxes containing frozen items are coated with a thin layer of plastic, making them nearly impossible to recycle. So the box goes in the trash—assuming you have time for that.
GLASS
What can I recycle?
All bottles and jars, regardless of color. You do not need to remove the labels.
What are the exceptions?
The following cannot be recycled and should go in the trash: light bulbs, drinking glasses, flower vases, ceramics, chandeliers, and any copies of Billy Joel’s 1980 hit album, “Glass Houses.”
What about other Billy Joel albums?
Also trash.
Can I recycle broken glass?
No! Broken glass is dangerous and should be disposed of properly, ideally by scattering it across the nearest bike lane.
Are bicycle tires and inner tubes recyclable?
No.
METAL
What can I recycle?
Anything. Whatever.
Really?
Yeah, if it’s metal? Fuck it. Throw it in there.
PLASTIC
What can I recycle?
Ha ha! How much time do you have?
Go ahead. Let’s do this.
O.K. The following plastics go in your curbside bin: plastic bottles, plastic jugs, round plastic food containers, plastic buckets, and plastic plant pots (but only certain ones). Please rinse all containers, BUT DO NOT EVER WASH THEM WITH SOAP. Just trust us on that one.
Also, please note that only plastic bottles, jars, and containers that are six ounces or larger will be accepted.
Does “six ounces” mean by weight, or by volume?
Great question!
Can I leave caps and lids on?
Are you insane? No. Our sorting machines are very sensitive, and if even one cap or lid goes through them they will explode.
Are there any other exceptions?
Every other form of plastic is prohibited. That includes, but is not limited to, bags, bubble wrap, disposable flatware and cutlery, six-pack can holders, prescription-medicine bottles, toy lightsabres, those little table things that keep your pizza from getting smushed, and plastic lawn flamingos.
What do the “numbers” on my plastic containers mean?
That depends on where you live, what kinds of recycling facilities operate near you, the fluctuating demands for certain kinds of material, the vagaries of global-trade regulations, and whether Saturn is in retrograde. Check with your local municipality and an astrologer.
I recently bought some toothpaste with a “No. 2” recycling symbol on the tube. Is it recyclable?
Yes! Simply build a portal that allows you to travel to another dimension where recycling facilities that accept these toothpaste tubes actually exist, and are so abundant that your local curbside recycling program will collect them.
You know what? I’ll just put everything in the bin and let you guys sort it out.
Sounds like a plan.
One last thing: Can I recycle this recycling guide?
Yes, but you’ll have to print it out first. Remember to print it double-sided to save paper. ♦
