A low-level, 21-year-old Air National Guardsman active on a chat platform popular among gamers was arrested Thursday and charged with leaking hundreds of pages of classified U.S. military intelligence online.
Lately it seems you can’t throw a paper airplane (made from a top-secret document) without hitting leaked or mishandled top-secret documents.
But don’t worry, I’m here to help.
A proposed memo to all government officials on the meaning of ‘secret’
Given the recent rash of leaks and top-secret whoopsies, I propose the federal government immediately issue the following memo.
To: All government officials and members of the military
Subject: A quick refresher on classified documents
Folks, at the risk of sounding pedantic, we need to talk about what the words “classified” and “top secret” mean. It seems some of you may have forgotten.
We have had top-secret and classified documents showing up in chats on the popular social platform Discord, in a garage where President Joe Biden parks his Corvette, in former Vice President Mike Pence’s Indiana home and, quite probably, under one of the chafing dishes at former President Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago breakfast buffet.
Not cool, people. Not cool at all. Getting to see and handle classified documents is a right, not a privilege, and we will take that right away if these irresponsible shenanigans continue.
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How many times do we have to say it? Classified documents do NOT belong in gamer chat groups!
As most of you know, a young Air National Guardsman named Jack Teixeira has been arrested in connection with the recent leak of classified military intelligence relating to the war in Ukraine. The documents appeared in an online chat group reportedly made up of young men who share an interest in racism, guns and video games.
Does that sound like the kind of space we want classified documents showing up? No, it does not.
In fact, if you look in your employee handbook, it says specifically: “Classified documents should NEVER, under any circumstances, show up in a chat group populated by potentially racist, armed gaming enthusiasts.” That is verbatim.
All right, who gave the 21-year-old top-secret documents? Out with it
Understandably, many have been asking: Why would a young Air National Guardsman have access to top-secret documents in the first place?
That is an excellent question, one we will be asking that guardsman’s ranking officers before they go through our new mandatory training program: “When Not to Share: Why the ‘Secret’ part of ‘Top Secret’ Matters.”
Along with the training program, you will be seeing signs go up throughout the building as part of our broader Meaning-of-Classified Reorientation Initiative. There will be affable and hopefully helpful signs near all exits that read: “Hey, are you sure you should be taking those top-secret files home with you? :)”
And in the hallways throughout the White House, Pentagon and the U.S. Capitol, you’ll see sings ranging from “Have the ‘intelligence’ to not leak military intelligence!” and “Can you keep a secret? You better, or you’ll go to prison!”
We will return to the traditional meaning of ‘secret’
We will also be making changes to some of our long-standing policies that, in light of recent events, seem ill-considered. For example, presidents and vice presidents will no longer be allowed to remove boxes of classified documents by saying to security officials, “Don’t worry, it’s just some memorabilia I’m going to keep in a closet at my golf resort or in my garage.”
Low-level officials and military personnel will no longer be “looped in, just to make sure everyone is up to speed” on emails that contain top-secret documents, no matter how cool those documents might seem.
The “Take-A-Classified-Document/Leave-A-Classified-Document” baskets will be removed from all departments, effective immediately.
If you see a classified document blowing by you, say something
And we have notified the building manager about the window that won’t close in the Pentagon’s Hall of Unbound Classified Documents, hoping to eliminate the problem of sensitive military information blowing out every time someone opens the door. We have also dispatched a team to “collect and retrieve” all classified documents that have wound up in the brush along the side of nearby Interstate 395.
Hopefully these actions will swiftly eliminate this embarrassing problem. But it is imperative that each and every government employee, elected official and member of the armed services remember our new governmentwide slogan: “Sharing makes you the ‘ass’ in ‘classified’!”
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Twitter @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk
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